Two Faced: 'Hotline Bling' video

Sarah Vassello, please stop singing, “You used to call me on my cell phoneeeeeeee.”

You don’t really have a “cell phone.” I’m 95 percent sure that whatever you do have is an old MP3 player or Boost Mobile phone, with a black-and-white screen and the advanced capabilities of loading Solitaire and playing ringtones without words.

Vassello, the outdated but edgy Arts & Entertainment editor, is probably using dial-up right now to write this "Two-Faced" rebuttal.

I actually like Drake’s new video for “Hotline Bling,” which has been incalculably parodied on social media. Intentional or not, this video is an ode to the alchemy of awkwardness.

It’s a nod to all of us who go out, and after a couple or baker’s dozen drinks, think it’s socially acceptable to dance — or just move — the way we do.

It’s a nod to the Wheelchair Jimmy days on “Degrassi,” where Drake exuded and absorbed enough attitude and angst to create 10 more “Take Care” albums.

It’s a nod to librarians, who guiltlessly wear turtlenecks, like Drake.

It’s a nod to 2010, when I was 16 years old, and I caught a minivan mom and her two children recording me dancing to the Usher song, “OMG.”

But, the greatest part about “Hotline Bling” video is that at any point, viewers can pause and get a freeze frame of a moment they can caption with anything they think is funny.

The Director X-directed video has sparked a number of adaptations — including the elite work of one dexterous Viner, Caleb Natale, whose single Vine garnered more than 11 million loops after he incorporated animations and music from Wii tennis into a clip of Drake “dancing.”

It’s an over-the-top, yet minimalist video — and one that has unquestionably helped to propel the song to number two on Billboard’s Hot 100, tying his highest peak with “Best I Ever Had,” which also reached number two in 2009.

Save Billboard’s Rap Chart, digital charts and features, Drake has surprisingly never had a Billboard number one record. I think this video — and the staggering social media participation that accompanies it — is going to change that.

Hopefully, Drake knows he’s not a deft dancer. That would be boring. We’ve seen the Ne-Yo dance moves. We get it. You can do that thing where you slide effortlessly and look really smooth and cool and awesome, but it’s not relatable.

I wish all celebrities were awkward in a cool way, like Drake and me — not unbearably awkward, like Sarah and, like, Björk?

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Ryan Schocket started his argument with a criticism of my cell phone. That’s cool. I’m fine that he has nothing else but to prove his blatant materialism over actual emotional content.

He’s kind of like Drake that way.

He’s actually kind of like Drake in a few ways. They both dance like no one’s watching (and most of the time no one is, thank God). They both have questionable tastes in music sometimes. And, most importantly, they’re both overemotional messes who are seemingly always alone.

But neither of them are actually alone.

Drake has Serena Williams, who is seen dancing in the video, and Ryan has the love of bulldogs, probably.

My first question: why is Drake still so fucking whiny when he’s literally in a relationship with one of the most badass women in the world? I wish he wouldn’t take a page out of Ryan’s book.

My second question: why is Drake trying so hard?

I agree with Ryan’s argument: dancing like no one’s watching is cool. I think it’s great that, in a way, this video is promoting positive self-image and acceptance for one’s self. It’s great that his moves aren’t choreographed by a professional. It’s great that Drake’s reaching his core audience of 15-year-old white teens (and, of course, almost 22-year-old Ryan).

I do agree that corny is cool — but it’s not cool when you’re trying this fucking hard. I’m not criticizing the dance moves because they’re great — I’m criticizing the way that they’re so nonchalantly calculated. Yeah, he made the dance moves up on the spot, but he knew what he was doing with that turtleneck and those #quirky shuffles.

Drake is so hipster hip hop chic that the pastel dad vibes he had going on here really outdid himself, which is quite an accomplishment (but his futuristic aesthetic Tumblr blog must be great).

Ryan truly gets trying too hard, so I can see why he likes this video. I can see why most people like this video — at its core, it’s fun, and I like the vibe.

But even Ryan can admit when enough is enough. Drake, please — stop trying so hard. 

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