In the event you aren’t completely up to date on which now-irrelevant celebrity from the ‘00s is attempting a comeback, Chris “I’m-so-over-people-bringing-this-past-shit-up” Brown is now getting a documentary that no one asked for which will detail his heroic rise from the apparently horrendous tragedy and hardship that befell him when he decided it’d be a good idea to punch his girlfriend in the face.
I suppose this isn’t exactly shocking — the selection of celebrities who are given documentary biopics has always seemed arbitrary. As a humble yet optimistic form of protest to whomever is responsible for this project, I have compiled a list of popular 2000s stars whose pasts are actually worth revisiting:
Justin Timberlake
From a stint on the Mickey Mouse Club to co-lead vocalist of *NSYNC to a hugely successful solo career, Justin Timberlake’s rise to fame has been one heck of a ride full of bringing sexy back, gifting dicks in boxes and sporting iconic ramen-noodle hairstyles. Justin’s (according to the number of plays on my iTunes, we are definitely on a first-name basis) documentary would explore hilarious SNL skits, soulful music, and his not one, not two, but zero assaults on women. Plus, does anyone recall his role as the beautiful Jason Sharpe in that one Disney Channel movie, "Model Behavior"? *heart-eyes emoji* Brb, gotta run and put “Mirrors” on repeat.
Britney Spears
Also a vet of the Mickey Mouse Club, Spears made headlines in 2007 when she walked into a hair salon in California and unexpectedly shaved her head, one of many uncharacteristic and erratic behaviors from the singer presumably following pressure from teen stardom and a messy custody battle with her ex-husband, Kevin Federline. Since then, she has made a fantastic comeback with the successes of her albums "Blackout" (2007), "Circus" (2008) and "Femme Fatale" (2011), and she has since regained primary custody of her sons. A documentary of her emergence from, you know, an actual hardship *cough* would serve as an inspiration everywhere to those trapped in the throes of a particularly "Toxic" week — or year — and just want the world to hold on one second and leave you the hell alone. Truly, a comeback story that is actually worthy. Also, who isn’t in the mood for some 1990s/2000s nostalgia?
Kesha
With a reported IQ of 140 and a near-perfect score on her SATs, Kesha is legit a certified genius. Did you know she would often sneak into college lectures on the Cold War while she was still in high school? I mean, hey, this is UNC, but none of us sure as hell did that in our free time. The only reason she dropped out of school was to pursue her music career, and damn if it didn’t pay off. “Tik Tok,” at 15 million copies sold, is among the best-selling digital singles in history.
She’s also a topical subject in the news lately given her ongoing legal battle with her producer Dr. Luke. A documentary on her life would not only be refreshingly unique, detailing her life as an initial academic overachiever to later famous pop-star, but it would also be relevant. It would provide fans and sympathetic non-fans alike a chance to support the star in the midst of her (legitimate) ordeal. Also, it would be chock-full of excellent music (admit it — her stuff is hella catchy).
Beyoncé
OK, I admit, perhaps I’m cheating on this entry a little. Beyoncé did get a documentary in 2013 that she directed and produced, although it wasn’t publicized music. Since she’s huge on keeping her personal life mostly private, it’d be difficult convincing her to allow a release by a major studio. But seriously, who would deserve it more?
Easily among the most influential figures of this decade and the last, she was the icon who made us proud to be "Single Ladies" and reminded us all who really runs the world. Also, y'all, she’s a lot more like us than you’d think — she’d originally created her alter-ego Sasha Fierce as a way to separate her stage persona from her more modest personality, although she admittedly didn’t need the alter-ego for much longer. With her rousing stage presence and empowering lyrics, she succeeds in making us all feel like we can conquer literally anything, never mind the sad reality that we can never be her while doing it.
Seriously, we could’ve had Beyoncé, but instead we’re getting Chris “that’s-not-who-I-am-as-a-person” Brown. I don’t get it either.
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