20 stages of writing a paper

It’s late—almost too late. You’re sitting alone in your room. 

The rain is cascading down the window pane, and your bloodshot eyes stare blankly ahead searching for meaning in the five cups of coffee you’ve just inhaled. 

You’ve refreshed your Twitter feed almost as many times as you’ve had that Adele song on repeat, and you still haven’t decided on any classes for next semester.

It’s time to start your paper.

We’ve all been there. At least, I have — an alarming number of times in the past week. And if you haven’t yet, you’re probably just a lot better at procrastinating than I am. 

Here’s what I’ve discovered to be the shamefully unavoidable stages to writing a paper in just one night:

1. Unplug: Play a game of hide and seek with your phone by stowing it away for about an hour—hopefully you remember where you put it.
2. Eat: Treat yourself to a snack (or several plates of dessert from the Lenoir). You’ll work better on a full/half-exploding stomach.
3. Exercise: You’ll probably need a little energy boost after eating five meals. Go work up some endorphins at the gym.
4. Shower: You can’t think clearly if you smell bad — fact.
5. Laundry: You also can’t think well if anything in your room is dirty — it’s science.
6. Turn off the lights: Setting the right ambience is essential to being productive, and that satanic ceiling light is NOT doing your paper any justice.
7. Migrate from your desk to your bed: Comfort first, right?
8. Migrate from your bed to your desk: You probably fell asleep, so it’s back to the chair.
9. Header: Name. Professor. Class. Date. Time. Weather. Spirit animal. The usual.
10. Outline: Now you have to decide what you’re actually going to write about.
11. Cry: Because you actually don’t know what you’re going to write about.
12. Social media: Look for inspiration in all the wrong places.
13. Make a motivational playlist: For when you have to do another paper, and don’t want to go through this pain again.
14. Write the paper: Maybe if you stare long enough at the cursor it will write itself.
15. Throw things across the room: You’ve finally processed your feelings about the course and they are NOT positive.
16. Call your parents: Tell them you’re dropping out. It’s the next logical step.
17. Scream: Because you have too many feelings about college.
18. Stretch: It gets the blood—and the genius—flowing again.
19. Really write that paper: Focus for just a little longer. You’re almost there.
20. Go to bed: Even if you haven’t *totally* finished the conclusion, you deserve it. You’ve worked hard. Hopefully.