The world is a stage, especially UNC's campus

Memorial Hall is a magical place. If you are a student at UNC who hasn’t been to a show there yet, I highly recommend that you go to one. Not only have the walls of Memorial Hall seen art of the highest caliber, (including dance, operas, symphonies, and theater) but also the stage there has an ELEVATOR built into it. An elevator!

Maybe you’re not quite understanding me yet, because this is incredibly exciting news.  The semicircle front part of the stage at Memorial (also known as the apron) has the ability to be lowered all the way into the ground. This literally has the potential to REDEFINE dramatic entrance. As someone who shows up late to almost everything, I have a very close and possibly unhealthy relationship with the notion of dramatic entrance.

Picture it. The audience is full of students, faculty and random elderly people bubbling with excitement. They’ve come to see the lone cello player that Carolina Performing Arts has incessantly emailed them about everyday for the past month (Yeah, you know what I’m talking about CPA). The curtain opens to reveal…alas! An empty stage.

But wait, what’s this? They hear the distant musings of a sad, lonely cello. Suddenly *insert impressive Russian name here* rises victoriously from the ground, strumming his giant violin with a look on his face that says “Hell yeah I just rose from the grave. Now buy my merchandise.”

That’s a dramatic entrance. But Memorial Hall shouldn’t be the only place on campus where elevator systems lift people to greatness.

What if there was an elevator system in the Pit? The Pit Preacher would thrive. I would argue that he wouldn’t even need that huge sign to get people’s attention anymore. During class changes he would simply begin to rise up from the center of the Pit. That’s enough of a spectacle to get anyone to watch. Then he would proceed to yell until his swollen veins pressed out against the skin of his forehead and THEN people would walk away. But it would still be initially cool.

Or what if there was an elevator in the football stadium. During half time, the band could rise up from the ground. The crowd would go wild. Or the dignified people who get recognized during half time could take the magic elevator ride. There’s something inherently more interesting about being slowly revealed rather than just walking out onto the field. Come on. We’re a liberal ARTS school, we can do better.

All right, fine. I’ll address the elephant in the room. I do agree with popular demand that it is an exceptional idea for me to rise from the ground in the middle of the stadium, singing the National Anthem before the start of the game. Even though my only experience with this kind of thing was when I sang the national anthem at my own senior night lacrosse game (afterwards my coach said: “I didn’t know that you actually couldn’t sing…”), if we ever get an elevator contraption in the middle of the field, I NEED to be the first to do this. I’m calling dibs, sorry Clef Hangers. 

We could even benefit from these sneaky elevators in our classes. Imagine Kelly Hogan rising up from the ground on the very first day of BIOL 101 in Genome 100. It gives me chills. I mean she already has the microphone and 500 seats filled, why not make it a full-blown performance! All of the cute little first year bio-majors on the “pre-med track,” would be able to decide to change their major a lot sooner this way. It would show the intensity of introductory biology here at UNC right off the bat.

Thanks for inspiring the diva in me, Memorial Hall.

But seriously, mitochondria are no joke, kids.