Dear Chancellor Folt and Those of the Right Color Blue,
There is a phenomenon occurring between Student Stores and Lenoir Dining Hall. It is an overwhelming feeling of untapped potential, like the surrounding area is Icarus and the greatness it could be is the sun it will never reach. Students and faculty report a dullness in the area, which has been dubbed "the Pit" to give face to the sensation.
It has neither been confirmed nor disproved that this epidemic corresponds with the actual, physical pit, home of preachers, petitioners and a third word beginning with P.
Source: Admissions
Whether or not you are aware of this pressing issue is not the primary reason for this address. What matters, of course, is the livelihood of the people. This "Pit" neither threats nor benefits, but to me a situation that isn’t optimized to help or improve a community may as well serve as a threat. With such a central location on campus, surely the issue is of top priority. Right?
Additionally, there has been an emergence of unprecedented rates of procrastination among the student body. This may also be likely linked to "the Pit." That, or the wintery weather glooming over the campus creates in us a desire to never leave our cozy beds in fear of the cold. Scientific data (my own intuition) points in the direction of the first cause.
Something must be done. I demand the university initiate a task force to carry out the following proposal.
Operation POOL: Preservation of Our Lives
The mission for Task Force POOL is to develop ways to improve the epicenter of "the Pit," reducing the negative effects at all costs.
Proposal 1: The Pool
Perhaps that untapped potential can be actually linked to the physical pit itself, in which case the most obvious thing to do to boost student happiness is to first block the draining system of "the Pit" then fill it with water.
This system can serve three functions. During the non-wintery months "the Pit" becomes "the Pool," a swimming hole for the masses (1), while connected canals act as the new pathways with students trading in hoverboards and Razor scooters for gondolas (2). In the wintertime, especially now, "the Pool" is "the Rink" (3) and ice-skates deck the display stands of Student Stores.
Proposal 2: There is no other option.
The time is now to act. Convert the Pit. Please.
Go to heck Duke,
Brett M. Zeck
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