Lessons I learned as a scary movie guru

I consider myself a scary movie fanatic. A guru, so to speak. Ever since I watched Disturbia for the first time (with parental permission; I literally called my mom), I’ve been obsessed.

I don’t really get that scared while watching them, but I am a generally paranoid person in the real world, so I sometimes use them as a guidebook.

Every time something bad happens in a scary movie, I talk myself through ways to protect myself if this were to happen. I know exactly what I would do in most dangerous situations. 

Although I cannot impart all of my wisdom, I decided to share a little bit in the spirit of October. So here are the most important lessons I’ve learned from scary movies, along with the embarrassing stories from when I actually used them.

1. Have an escape plan.

This one has been based mostly on intruder thrillers. Jodie Foster in "Panic Room" is my inspiration. Because I never wanted to come face-to-face with an intruder, I developed a plan to leave my house in the case of a break-in. This is actually simple because I can exit through the basement, but someday I’ll install a panic room for sure.

I’ve only used the escape plan once, in which I ran out of the house barefoot and knocked on all of my neighbors doors to call the police. No one came to their door. The intruder? Carpet cleaners. They drive those creepy candy vans though, so I stand by my decisions. 

2.  Don’t watch unlabeled videotapes.

If you haven’t seen "The Ring," where were you in 2003? Basically, if you watch a creepy video on a blank VHS, you die in seven days. In this case, the movie led to me avoiding my mom’s pre-DVR recordings of "The Young and the Restless."

But then a couple summers ago my brother found a VHS in our beach house that had creepy Spongebob drawings on it. Chilling, I know. I insisted that he could not watch it. Trying to save a life, here. He watched it, I cried, it was Spongebob, and he was still alive seven days later.

3. If your house is haunted, move.

This is one of my genuine fears. I’m obviously not going to name all of the haunted house movies I’ve seen, but I’ll give a little bit of credit to "A Haunting in Connecticut" because it’s a “true story.” Regardless, every time someone realizes a house is haunted, they ignore it until they get possessed or die. Why? Move. Along.

 The only story with this one is I get sick every time I go home from school and I think it’s because of ghosts. College dorms were truly an improvement for me. 

4.  Sometimes people need exorcisms, and that’s OK.

"The Exorcist" is a classic tale. Who am I to judge? So you’ve been possessed by a demon that wants to eat your soul. It’s fine. It could happen to anyone. Just get the show on the road and call a priest.

When my brother went through puberty, he ate everything in the house and choked me any time we fought over the remote. I tried to have a discussion with my mom about calling someone to get back our little boy. Quinn, if you’re still in there, send us a sign. Does anyone have some holy water I can borrow?