Ever get the feeling you’re being watched?
It’s early morning. The post-Christmas sales are off the charts and you’re getting ready to cash it in big. You make a quick stop by the food court — those giant pretzels are heaven smothered in salt — and then you’re off, beating the crowds and buying as much stuff as your little hands can carry.
You’re in Francesca’s with the last of your pretzel when you feel the hair on the back of your neck stand up. You’ve just picked up a dress and are thinking about trying it on when—
“Can I help you?”
Suddenly, it’s the Hunger Games and you’re the next contestant.
Everywhere you look, there’s a shop clerk at your side asking your name, complimenting your earrings, or trying to tell you which scarf would look good with the outfit in your hand. In the words of Rap Queen Nicki Minaj you’re in “a sea full of sharks and they all smell blood.”
I’m telling you, man. Shopping is hard for us introverts. Everyone wants to help you, to get you to try their new perfume, to sit you down in a chair and put all kinds of crazy makeup on your face while you make awkward small talk and scan the room to find the nearest exit.
If you’re like me and would rather avoid all this craziness, then I’ve got a few tips just for you:
Cross your arms over your chest. Defensive positions always make people nervous. If you act like you hate everyone, usually people will leave you alone long enough for you to get the heck out of there.
Shop online. This one’s obvious, but it’s probably the most effective. No mall, no people, no social interaction whatsoever. Just you, the soft glow of your laptop screen, and the mailman who comes to give you the package. Even then, you can probably get him to drop it off at the door if you’re feeling really antisocial that day.
Make awkward eye contact. Instead of staring straight at the person, look at something just over their head when they talk to you. It might freak them out a bit and give you the opening to scamper away instead of having to submit to whatever it is they’re trying to get you to do.
Pretend you can’t speak English. When someone comes up to you, just start talking in another language and they’ll leave you alone. If you actually know another language, even better, but if you don’t, it’s no problem. Speaking gibberish is actually highly effective when you’re trying to make nosy shopkeepers mind their own business.
Start crying. More often than not, they will scurry away to fetch a manager or a box of tissues, or someone who is getting paid more than minimum wage and can deal with your theatrics. In the delay, you could probably grab your goods and high-tail it out of there, but don’t forget to pay for them. Crying might stop a salesperson from assaulting you with her kindness, but it won’t stop a cop from booking you for shoplifting.
D.E.A.R. — drop everything and run. This is probably the rudest option, but it’s pretty darn effective. You might look a little crazy, but who isn’t? Plus, if you’ve tried all the other options on this list and none of them worked, I think it’s safe to say you’ll look crazy no matter what you do next.
Play dead. It’s Mother Nature’s best defense. Sure, it’s going to hurt like hell going down and you might even get a concussion, but anything is better than trying to tell a Charlotte Russe employee that you’re just looking.
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