The Flat White. Don’t know what it is? Where have you been living, under a stupid rock?
On the Starbucks website, it is described as an espresso drink in which “Steamed milk is folded into itself, creating a velvety microfoam that gives [it] its silky texture and signature white dot.”
Still don’t know what it is? DOESN’T MATTER! All you need to know is when you order this drink, you will sound like a millennial queen.
But now that you’ve ordered the drink, how do you continue to prove your worth in the latte-drinking world? Here are the best, the ONLY, six ways to drink a flat white.
1. Sitting in Starbucks — legs crossed at the ankle booties — at the front-most table so everyone who walks in has to squint in the face of your flat white-glow. You’re also flipping through Cosmopolitan. You’re also drinking out of a gold plated mug garnished with rare ivory from elephant tusks.
2. Don’t drink the flat white. The Starbucks website promises the “perfect flat white” and you shouldn’t settle for anything less! Return the flat white to the barista over and over, informing him or her that you really prefer the microfoam to be more velvety, or the texture to be silkier. While you wait on your eighth coffee, flip through Blake Lively’s instagram.
3. Take the flat white out into the world! Sip it while you sit in a sedan chair being carried down Franklin Street by four shirtless men wearing newsie hats. Wave to the onlookers. The commoners love when you notice them.
4. Order 35 flat whites. Take them all back home with you. Quickly pour them into your bathtub before the velvety microfoam dissipates. Bathe in the flat white.
5. Take the flat white with you to a night at the opera. Dress well; if you wish to drink the flat white, you will need to take the stage. You will descend from the rafters into the spotlight on a giant red plush pillow. Once you are in sight of the audience, slowly pull off your long silk gloves, one finger at a time. Stare meaningfully over your microfoam. Take a sip. Hold for applause.
6. Take the flat white to the nearest hospital. Steal an IV. Pour the flat white into the elevated baggie. Forcefully insert the needle into your arm. You are the flat white.
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