The Onyen is a satire blog and is for entertainment purposes only. All names, references and quotes are made-up.
Summer tour guide Gustavo Montana has a lot of friends.
They just don't know who he is exactly.
The junior public relations major has been giving tours since his freshman year.
Montana remembers his first tour like it was three years ago.
"I don't really remember much about that first tour, except that a parent blatantly asked me if I had any friends here at UNC," Montana said.
The parent had noticed that Montana wasn't stopping every two minutes to address someone passing by.
"Apparently all of the tour guides before me had done that, so they were worried I was a loner with no friends," Montana said, checking his phone although there were no new notifications.
Montana said this was not the case. He has lots of friends. They just didn't stay at UNC over the summer. Faced with this dilemma, he had to devise a new strategy.
"I'm constantly scanning my surroundings for potential fake friends. Once a target is spotted, I just wave like this and say an obscure greeting like 'Hey!' or 'What's up!?' and then I continue with the tour," Montana demonstrates his scheme, waving like he's trying to swat a mosquito.
So far, Montana's plan has earned him excellent reviews from parents and students.
"No parent wants some loner showing their student around campus," Montana said.
"You have to add credibility to your claims that UNC is the best by actually looking like you are enjoying yourself."
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