There are only a few months until the primaries and less than a year until the 2016 election for presidential of the United States.
And because you’ve totally been following every campaign in detail since last summer, you've definitely watched all the debates — both Democratic ones, plus all 34 GOP debates. Well, 68 if you include the JV “kids’ table” debates the networks had to add to manage the dozens and dozens of Republican candidates coming out of the all-American woodwork.
If, for some reason, you’re an America-hating ignoramus who didn’t watch the debates (or if you did watch them, but don’t remember anything because the intense debate drinking games you played always made you pass out in the first 20 minutes), then don’t worry. We actually sat through all six debates — two Democratic and four Republican — and came up with a handy ranking scale using the most campaign-y of all campaign props, the American flag lapel pin.
Based on a list of very important, very mature criteria (i.e. whether or not a catfight broke out), the debates are scored on a scale of no pins (the entertainment equivalent of watching remote controlled drone footage of grass growing on the White House lawn) to five pins (cinematic masterpiece — you should invite bae over for “watch this debate and chill”).
First Republican debate
Hosted by Fox News on Aug. 6, 2015
The Moderators: Brett Baier, Megyn Kelly and Chris Wallace did a reasonably okay job keeping things in control, plus they asked Trump a few particularly probing questions
The Candidates: Carly Fiorina apparently did pretty well during the JV debate — but no one actually tuned in until prime time, when Donald Trump earned lots of applause for some of his frank statements but bumbled a question on his treatment of women.
Megyn Kelly asked him about past comments referring to women as “fat pigs, dogs, slobs and disgusting animals,” and Trump couldn’t resist a sexist Rosie O’Donnell joke plus a complaint that Kelly was being mean to him. Elsewhere on stage, Ben Carson was getting ignored (seriously, there was a 38-minute gap between his first and second questions. Pretty sure he was napping in the corner), Marco Rubio was holding his own and Jeb Bush was skrugglin’.
Catfight? Yes, a minor one between Chris Christie and Rand Paul over national security. After trading a few barbs, Christie told Sen. Paul that he was just “sitting in a subcommittee blowing hot air.” Paul then brought up an old "scandal" in which Christie allegedly committed the highest crime in GOP-land: hugging Barrack Obama (it’s more of a handshake in my opinion).
Our score: 2 flag pins.
Second Republican Debate
Hosted by CNN on Sept. 16, 2015
The Moderators: Jake Tapper, Hugh Hewitt and Dana Bash are all extremely experienced journalists, and in many ways they prevented the on-stage feistiness from breaking down into chaos.
The Candidates: Carly Fiorina earned a spot in the main debate and she actually did really well. Most entertainingly, when The Donald tried to backpedal on a sexist comment about her appearance, Fiorina snapped back: “I think women all over this country heard very clearly what Mr. Trump said.”
Trump claimed most of the talking time, but Rubio and Bush also got enough words in to do pretty well in the debate. Planned Parenthood, Iraq and Justice John Roberts came up a lot. Trump did find a chance to say that vaccines cause autism, a belief which is not supported in any way by any legitimate scientific research.
Catfight? No big ones, but lots and lots of little sniping spread out across the whole debate.
Our score: 4 flag pins.
So it’s no 30 Rock, but this debate was actually pretty entertaining — especially when the three minute of funny parts are cut together and played over uptempo rock music. Seriously, watch this highlight reel.
First Democratic Debate
Hosted by CNN on Oct. 13, 2015
The Moderators: Anderson Cooper — plus a few other CNN people asking questions submitted via Facebook — did pretty well and, for the most part, asked intelligent questions.
The Candidates: Martin O’Malley said some nice things but never really tied them together. Lincoln Chafee came off as kinda weird and way too happy. Jim Webb spent all of his (admittedly little) talking time complaining that he wasn’t getting enough talking time.
And the two stars, Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, both had pretty successful evenings. Sanders ragged on Wall Street and yelled that America was tired of hearing about Clinton’s “damn emails” when her private email server scandal was brought up (again). Meanwhile, Clinton called Sanders out for his relatively pro-gun stances and referred to herself as “a progressive who likes to get things done.”
Catfight? Not really. Pretty quiet debate, conflict-wise. This may be related to the fewer numbers of people on stage to interrupt and talk over, compared to the Republican debate(s).
Overall: 2.5 flag pins
Kinda boring, to be honest.
Third Republican Debate
Hosted by CNBC on Oct. 28, 2015
The Moderators: John Harwood, Carl Quintanilla, Becky Quick and the rest of the CNBC question-askers caught a lot of flack during and after the debate for asking petty questions and instigating strife rather than real, intelligent conversation. It seemed that the moderators got more attention and talking time than the candidates themselves.
The Candidates: Ben Carson and Marco Rubio came off pretty well and survived scrutiny over their tax policy ideas and Senate voting record, respectively. Bush and Kasich were kind of ignored, Trump had a quiet night (well, for Trump) and the candidates largely banded together to criticize the moderators.
Catfight? Not between any of the candidates, really, but certainly between the candidates and the media. Ted Cruz, in particular, called out the moderators for asking stupid questions.
Our score: 3 flag pins.
Nothing special, but Cruz’s media call-out is pretty funny and may be worth a watch, especially if you need a study break and want to be awakened to the frivolity of most of the presidential campaign cycle.
Fourth Republican Debate
Hosted by Fox Business and the Wall Street Journal on Nov. 10, 2015
The Moderators: Neil Cavuto, Maria Bartiromo and Gerard Baker stuck almost entirely to policy issues in their questioning.
The Candidates: There weren’t as many direct candidate attacks, though the IRS was a popular target several candidates pledged to cut or reduce. The topics were mostly focused on economics, and all the candidates promoted their own conservative tax reform plans. Marco Rubio in particular did a good job defending his own proposal to increase the child tax credit.
Catfight? Nope :( but there were some pretty significant (if respectful) disagreements on immigration.
Our score: 2 flag pins.
Second Democratic Debate
Hosted by CBS on Nov. 14, 2015
The Moderators: John Dickerson and Co. ran a pretty smooth debate and were lauded as being “aggressive but respectful” in their questions.
The Candidates: With Webb and Chafee out of the race, the debate was mostly a competition between Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton, with Martin O’Malley trying to prove that he’s still relevant. Clinton seemed to retain her edge on all things foreign policy (experience as the Secretary of State really helps), and Sanders called for a $15 minimum wage, a universal right to health care and education and tighter restrictions on the power of Wall Street.
Catfight? No... *yawn*
Our score: 3 pins for being a solid policy debate, if not that amusing to watch.
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