You Asked for It: In which we avoid a cappella groups and participation grades

Drew Goins (The Achordants gave him a callback freshman year!) and Kelsey Weekman (The Achordants gave her a restraining order freshman year!) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You: So I didn’t get into any a cappella groups. Where do I go from here?

YAFI: “The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best.”

So said 19th century American author and champion of mediocrity Henry van Dyke. While that may have been all very well for Mr. Van Dyke, the forest of a cappella at UNC is quieter than a TA’s office hours in September.

Auditions, too, are competitive and high-stakes. The Clef Hangers, UNC’s most beloved bulletin boards, only take a few each semester, and the Loreleis are literally named after creatures from German mythology that lured sailors to their deaths.

A lot of people audition for multiple groups. Especially if you put yourself out there like that, total rejection can really sting jah-ding jah jah jah-dah sting jah dahhhh.

Maybe join a choir at a local church. Most of the singing septuagenarians were cut after a cappella callbacks in the ’60s. University Baptist’s chancel choir actually formed in 1935 when Tar Heel Voices famously didn’t take any new members.

While they might not give you the opportunity to sing chart-toppers like “Can’t Feel My Face” or “The Alma Mater of This University” the atmosphere is less competitive, and “A Mighty Fortress Is Our God” can be a real bop.

If you’re looking for campus involvement, nurse your musical endowment with an outlet closer to home. Just follow the Arboretum whistler around. Join his merry band as you traipse through the undergrowth carrying your whistles on the wind. 

You: How do I get by under the radar in a class with mandatory participation?

YAFI: Participation grades are one of the worst things about college — worse than group projects, for sure, and only slightly better than your early September back-sweat situation. Definitely worse than attendance grades. At least with that you can park your butt in your seat and play Line Rider during class like it’s 2006 and current socioeconomic affairs in Sri Lanka don’t matter to you or your grade.

Simply willing yourself invisible post-roll call doesn’t work without a potion that only wizards and students in 600-level chemistry courses have access to. Sitting in the back of the class won’t render you undetectable to Virginia Gray, even if you are Marcus Paige, which some of you are. Try hiding in a place your professor never checks, like the “Library/Resources” tab of Sakai or behind the red emergency phone.

Sit in the front row and maintain unwavering eye contact. Your professor will write you off as “that spooky kid” and avoid calling on you, fearing the chilling devil answers that might come out of your ancient mouth.

Always have an answer prepared. Check the previous night’s horoscope for a vague but enticing response. You Leos should know all about that.Until 1789 Venture Lab funds a tech startup that submits your Poll Everywhere answer for you, stay alert long enough to answer questions about supply and demand before drifting into oblivion. When in doubt, just text 1-866-IDOLS-06 to vote for Diana DeGarmo.