Drew Goins (He’s Not Here) and Kelsey Weekman (She’s Around Here Somewhere) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I, like, can’t function until I have my coffee in the morning. Tips?
You Asked For It: Next, sorry.
You: How do I find parking on campus?
YAFI: College students are always on the go, so it’s understandable that you don’t want to leave your car in a faraway place like your hometown or the RR lot.
But parking at UNC is like time in the day or bagel shops near Franklin Street: There’s just not enough.
A word of caution, though: It’s so normcore to whine about parking. Like, maybe you’ll wanna complain about not having your coffee next?
We feel you, though. Taken spaces are the real-life versions of a registration blue square.
Mopeds occupying a whole spot? Trying to enroll in a green circle and finding you need instructor permission.
The only reason a parking version of the UNC Class Finder doesn’t exist is that developers fear that thousands, if not millions, would perish in the ensuing road race after an alert notifies users of an open space.
Legend has it that many moons ago, wood nymphs and Greenpeace volunteers cast a spell on this campus to protect their precious trees. Their magical powers and blatant disregard for social norms make the ground unfruitful for asphalt plains.
Parking after-hours can be a good option. However, campus lots overnight are like Cinderella at the ball, but at 6 a.m., instead of Prince Charming chasing you, it’s a tow-truck operator named Jeb.
To qualify for hardship parking, we’re pretty sure the baseline is having been petrified by a basilisk and needing to commute every day after class to Hogwarts for Mandrake treatments. Or working at a nonprofit on the other side of Carrboro.
You can also get resourceful. If you loft your bed, you can fit a Prius under it.
Only park illegally on campus if you absolutely must.
Wax your car until it’s so slick that any parking citation slips fall to the ground. Turn the tables on DPS officials and cite them for littering.
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