Kelsey Weekman (business casual) and Drew Goins (resort skanky) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
YOU: I missed the career fair last week. How do I get in on the job hunt?
YOU ASKED FOR IT: Don’t feel bad. If you really want to mosey around in a room of people in non-iron button-downs and ill-fitting khakis, you can hit up a Board of Governors meeting.
It’s only helpful for students in business or STEM fields. Most of them have been employed since 2003. If you’re a humanities major, going to a career fair is like a one-armed man showing up to a patty-cake competition.
Regardless, networking is critical. It’s all about shaking hands. Shake everything’s hand. Grasp tree branches and pump them up and down. Shake your car’s hand. Shake hands with the sky.
Check online job databases like LinkedIn or Monster, or industry-specific ones like JournalismJobs.com, which for the last several years has redirected to a 404 page.
Whenever you meet someone, be sure to have on hand your resume and comprehensive handshake roster.
Keep tabs on contacts for later leads. Collect their business cards and organize them into a Rolodex large enough to climb inside and wheel away from your troubles.
YOU: I’m straight gunning for UNC-system president. What’s the best way to get my hat in the ring?
YAFI: Start by throwing your literal hat into the ring, because if you have any hope of getting this job, you’re an old white dude and definitely wear hats.
UNC-system President and February 2014 HerCampus Campus Cutie Tom Ross is saying “see you later, alligator!” to the Board of Grandpas soon and he’ll need someone to take his place soon.
It’s been nearly six years since the ghost of Ronald Reagan hosted the Great Old Republican Games, but we’re certain they involve competing in challenges to see who hates taxes the most and whose comb-over can withstand the most wind.
Prepare for a series of typical white man tasks, like modeling a loosely tied robe or playing backgammon or reading a book about the Civil War on the toilet.
Burn a pile of your money in a sacrifice offered up to the free market. Let the Invisible Hand distribute the ashes to achieve maximum social benefit.
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