Kelsey Weekman and Drew Goins (two lumps, one sheet) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: What are the best places to trick or treat around here?
You Asked for It: Go to Chancellor Folt’s house and check out her costume. Hopefully she’s dressed like the fashion designer lady from “The Incredibles.”
Families with kids always have fun treats, so make a stop by our collective dad Houston Summers’ house.
Avoid the frats unless you want your treat to be a bucket of dubiously named “witch’s potion,” which we all know is 80 percent Everclear and some Crystal Light.
We hear there’s gonna be a church-style trunk-or-treat along Stadium Drive, so swing by there if you want caramel-dipped falafel from the back of the Med Deli vans.
Stop by the bank, and if you’re a good boy or girl, you can get a lollipop.
You: All my friends are paired up for couples costumes this Halloween. Help?
YAFI: Halloween can be lonelier for single folk than Valentine’s Day. The ladies have Galentine’s Day to remind them of their worth then. Halloween just has the consolation of All Saints’ Day that people will remember you when you’re dead.
You need to assert yourself if you don’t want to look as rejected as the Whoppers in a picked-over candy pack. Just piggyback off your friends’ couples costumes.
No key-and-keyhole pair is complete without an accompanying lanyard hanging around. Friends spicing it up as a plug and socket? Make sparks fly as the outlet converter you buy before you study abroad. If a classier couple goes for Sherlock and Watson, offer yourself up as the attendant 9th grade girl with a Tumblr devoted to the BBC show.
If your mated friends rebuff your advances, prove your independence and tackle a couples costume all by yourself. Your Tweedledum or half a CatDog will be the talk of Franklin Street.
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