Drew Goins (b. 1994) and Kelsey Weekman (1994-2013) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I stay positive with all this gross weather going on?
You Asked for It: The hurricane has passed, and Joaquin is once again simply the boy who “compró las flores para María” in your Spanish 105 student activities manual, but the rain looks like it’s here to stay.
It always happens like this ‘round mid-October: The sowing season gives way to the rainy months. (The other two seasons are harvest and Maymester.)
To stave off the monochrome dullness, make sure all your clothes are brightly colored — but not so bright that people think you’re a Dance Marathon recruiter.
If you venture out, look for good splashin’ puddles! Hop in every one you find until your fun Halloween socks are soaked and your friends have abandoned you.
To relish your newfound solitude, sit at a window and watch the pitter-patter of drops hitting the ground, listening to moody songs about the weather like Rihanna’s “Umbrella” or Winnie the Pooh’s “The Rain, Rain, Rain Came Down, Down, Down.”
Ultimately, appreciate the wet and remember that rain brings new life to all things, whether that’s to the dead succulents literally all over your front porch or to the Tinder conversation that fizzled out a week ago when you had nothing more to say about craft beer.
You: This rainy midterm season has made it nearly impossible for me to get out of bed. What do I do?
YAFI: Midterms are your chance to show off what you’ve learned this year, and they should be fun! Haha, just kidding.
Who’s to say you can’t bring your bed with you to class? All the world’s a bed if you try hard enough.
If you don’t want to disturb your bed from its natural habitat, try putting your alarm clock across the room. Pretend the floor is lava and jump from your bed to your dresser. The pain of a broken collarbone will jump start your day.
Bully yourself out of bed with aggressive alarm names on your phone. 7:15 is “Wake up, silly!,” 7:20 is “Get out of bed, loser” and 7:30 is “PREPARE FOR YOUR ULTIMATE DEMISE, WORTHLESS SACK OF FLESH AND BONE.”
Get your roommate to lightly assault you if they are out of bed and you aren’t. Get them to pour water on your head, smash your face with a pillow or lay a bear trap beside you in bed. Remember to keep it playful!
If these methods don’t work, just don’t go to bed in the first place. You’ll be fine.
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