Kelsey Weekman (majority whip) and Drew Goins (majorly whipped) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I feel so overwhelmed with all the politicking going on these days. How do I get more engaged?
You Asked for It: For the civically uninitiated, election season can seem like a grand ol’ party that you’re not invited to. Add in the presidential election around the corner, and it’s easy to feel like Andy Dwyer plopped into an episode of “The West Wing.”
Leaves are falling from trees while signs for Pam Hemminger for Mayor of Chapel Hill are sprouting from the earth, and student volunteers with forms and clipboards lurk around every corner. In the immortally memed words of Sen. Bernie Sanders, the American people are sick and tired of hearing about your damn voter registration, Pit canvassers!
If you’re looking for the 1) knowledge and 2) stubbornness to hold your own in discussions, join a politically affiliated group on campus like the right-leaning College Republicans or Kenan-Flagler Business School, or — solidly on the left — Young Democrats or the Campus Y.
Listen, we know that deep down you want to make America great again by becoming a political maven, but we also know that reading more than two articles on Politico is more herculean a task than switching this country to the metric system. We also know you’re already probably more informed than Lincoln Chafee anyway.
Our advice? Just change your profile picture to a Mr. or Ms. UNC candidate, and call it a day.
You: It’s starting to get really cold, and my roommates refuse to turn on the heat. How can I stay warm?
YAFI: No one polices the spending of money on basic human needs quite like college students who just started living off campus, as evidenced by your Craigslist couch with that suspicious stain and the amount of ramen in your cabinets.
Cranking up the heat for winter can be relatively the same price as just lighting a wad of money on fire and setting it by your bedside at night. Snuggle up with your significant other. If one is not available to you, watch someone else do it. Let the flames of your hatred warm your lonely, frosted heart.
Swaddle yourself in blankets like a burrito, and your body temperature will increase to at least verde. In fact, just eat your weight in burritos.
Curl up to sleep inside your heated oven, after baking seasonal Christmas tree cookies. Nine out of 10 fairy-tale witches recommend this method.
Listen to our warm-weather playlist that starts with “Heat of the Moment” by Asia and ends with “Fireball” by Pitbull. Where there is Pitbull, there is a boy in khaki shorts and a Hawaiian shirt holding an energy drink — the symbol of endless summer.
If all else fails, just envision yourself someplace warm, like the beach or the stairwell in Greenlaw.
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