Kelsey Weekman (ready for fall break) and Drew Goins (fall broken) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I forgot to make fall break plans, and now all my friends are leaving. What do I do?
You Asked for It: Before you hole up in your room for a staycation, drowning in pre-packaged Pit Stop desserts and unfinished Sakai reading assignments, create your own fall break traditions.
Rappelling from HoJo has been done, so why not burrow beneath [B]Ski’s? Go geocaching in Phillips Hall, but beware of losing your way and your soul in that dreary math dungeon.
Pamper yourself at UNC’s most exclusive hotel: Gimghoul Castle. Partake in some seasonal fun by making a leaf pile or taking a blood oath.
If you’re too easily spooked for this paranormal paradise, convince yourself Saxapahaw is folksy-trendy. It is! Promise!
If you don’t own Chacos, though, try an even safer adventure by taking a virtual tour of your favorite museum, UNC’s campus or one of those houses you can virtually design at Lowe’s.
Looking to stay in bed, but don’t want your ’gram to suffer? Forgo Photoshop for its oft-forgotten half-cousin, Photo Booth. Nothing says “I don’t have FOMO!” like a picture of you in front of a pixelated Eiffel Tower.
Take this opportunity to study early. Put down your phone, pull up some Quizlets and give up hope immediately because you’re just gonna sleep through this break anyway.
You: How do I keep up a love life when I share my dorm with a roommate?
YAFI: Navigating the choppy waters of romance becomes even more turbulent when your only lifeboat is a 12-by-13-foot linoleum and cinder-block box. We’re all waiting for the housing department to add a conjugal trailer to its list of “enhancements” — like, we’re good to go on Jenga sets, RAs. Until then, on-campus residents need to be creative in their canoodling.
If you’re looking to have the room entirely to yourself, do some aggressive scheduling. Doodle polls and Google Calendar plug-ins are essential here. Hire a part-time student assistant ($13.50/hour! Set your own schedule!) to manage your itinerary if necessary.
Regardless of precautions, develop some sign system to warn your roommate that romance is brewing inside the room. Use a classic marker on the doorknob, like a necktie or industrial padlock.
If a room sans roomie isn’t possible, at least turn your bed into a sanctuary. Go full Hogwarts with four-poster curtains for some added privacy. If you’re low on mahogany posts and crushed velvet, though, a mosquito net will do the trick — and protect your roommate from cooties and you from West Nile virus.
If your roommate just won’t pick up on your cues, though, lean into the awkwardness and invite him or her over to get in on the cuddle-fest. Because there’s nothing better than watching a movie snuggled on the couch, side by side by side.
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