Kelsey Weekman (all work and no play this week) and Drew Goins (in a play this weekend) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I feel like all of our sports teams are really good this year, and I want to be proud about it, but I’m afraid I will jinx it. How can I celebrate?
You Asked for It: The North Carolina football team is doing better than it has in living memory (aka when we were first-years). The male cheerleaders’ biceps have grown in strength to the point of sentience thanks to set after set of touchdown pushups in eight consecutive wins.
We beat Duke (and everyone knows that every time the Victory Bell rings, a frat boy gets some Wings Over Chapel Hill).
Fever emails inform us that the other teams are doing well, too. Given UNC’s recent dominance, any opponent battling the Heels faces a fiery challenge with little chance of victory, the likes of which only the new, red Starbucks holiday cups can understand.
But beware over-celebrating. The collective force of all our hands slapping together for high-fives broke Marcus Paige’s, Voodoo-doll style.
No gloating over social media. A subtle retweet of the score from @GoHeels will suffice. No making or hinting at foregone conclusions. Refer to the Belk Bowl as the Nordstrom Tureen if necessary.
However, all the normal chanting and dancing is good to go.
Just make sure that “Heels” is always two syllables, and no one is in sync for the cheer where we all buck forward and backward in a line. Can’t mess with tradition.
You: My Discover Weekly playlist on Spotify is always garbage. What music should I listen to this week?
YAFI: Though it’s clear technology is replacing our imaginations with machines that automatically generate content, the tailored-for-you playlist still has a few flaws. One can only handle so many club remixes of songs you already listen to or acoustic covers of “Riptide.”
Dig up your old iTunes account, and set it on shuffle. When you’re done being pleased with yourself for still knowing every word to “Super Bass,” you’ll collapse in embarrassment when you realize the same is true for “Push It to the Limit.” Accept it. That song is great for productivity.
If you’re feeling contemplative and tired of “Hello,” listen to some old school Adele. You probably never figured out what “Rolling in the Deep” means anyway.
Give music a rest, and start listening to podcasts. Revisit “Serial” since there are new developments in the case.
We heard if you listen to it backward, you can hear an exclusive part of the Nisha Call in which she reveals the pings don’t mean anything.
If none of those options sound good to you, just listen closely to the sounds around you. There is a decade-specific dance happening at WXYC at almost all times.
