Kelsey Weekman (2015 Draco Malfoy edition of Justin Bieber) and Drew Goins (2009 bowl cut edition of Bieber) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I need a name for the pet dog that I’m getting, but I’m not very creative. Help me keep my dog from being a loser!
You Asked for It: The most important thing to consider when naming your dog is how his name will sound to others when you scream it in a busy park or intersection. A name like Earthquake or Meteor is sure to turn heads.
Try a twist on classic dog names, like Spork instead of Spot. Typically, people name their dogs after famous composers or grocery stores — try a different spin. Pick your favorite War of 1812 general or board game.
Give an old friend the honor of having your dog bear her name. Or name your dog after an enemy if the dog is particularly stinky. Or name it after your mom — Nancy is a beautiful name for a pup.
Give your dog a name that is contrary to his personality to challenge him. If he’s timid, name him Spike or Hermes the Destroyer. If he’s brash and irrational, name him Fluffy or Yoko.
If none of these names appease you, just name him after an inanimate object in your home. Names with great potential include Pizza, Loofah, Sink, Computer, Doughnut and Ceiling Fan.
You: All my assignments are piling up. How do I keep from losing my sanity?
YAFI: First off, Happy International Presentation Week, everyone! We knew this thanks to the fun, matching holiday-a-day calendars our aunts bought us, but you probably knew it thanks to the fun, matching 15-minute policy briefs your global studies professor gave you.
(A lil’ bonus: We peeked ahead for you all, and coincidentally, tomorrow is National Too-Late-to-Ask-for-an-Extension Day.)
Mix and match your formats, too. The assignment calls for a 10-page paper, but who says it can’t be 10 printed out PowerPoint slides? (One for a title, one for a table of contents for the remaining eight slides, and three for works cited, obviously.)
If you go for one of these gutsy strategies, you have to commit, no matter how it reflects in how your professor evaluates you. There’s no going back once you’ve crossed the Rubric-con.
In general, be careful whom you complain to. You’re safe here because we haven’t submitted an assignment since the textbook was “required” for English 105, and almost everybody this side of the Eno has more work cut out for them than Justin Bieber’s publicist.
No matter what, though, don’t work yourself to death. Make sure you’re still getting four hours of sleep a week and two square Clif Bars daily.
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