Kelsey Weekman (not like most girls) and Drew Goins (not NOT like most girls) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m a senior, and I’ve already completed all my graduation requirements. What should I register for this semester?
You Asked for It: There’s nothing more satisfying than logging into ConnectCarolina and seeing your Tar Heel Tracker more collapsed than a blacked-out first-year on the lawn of a Halloween frat party.
And with a semester left to go, it’s undoubtedly the best thing in the world (Before 1750 or Beyond the North Atlantic, take your pick).
Fart around in the most liberal of arts with your remaining time. You can literally register at the same time for both “Perspectives in Drama” and “Perspectives in the Theater.”
Pass/fail a tricky language like Wolof or Basque or JavaScript.
A semester spent in “Beginning Social Dance” will teach you how to dance 1. the foxtrot and 2. your way to the bar instead of class.
If you were screwed over by the registration system all the way through undergrad, though, pass on the rage by registering for ECON 101, POLI 100 and whatever “Ancient Cities” is.
If you want to get a head-start on your student loans, monetize your rage by auctioning off the slots to try-hard first years. This is ten-out-of-ten an Honor Code violation, but University policy is that if you violate it in your last semester, they still let you finish, probably.
Regardless, there is no reason for you to take any more than nine hours. It is perfectly acceptable for your underload approval form to be the last thing you turn in for all of college.
But yeah, keep pursuing knowledge. Lux et libertas or whatever.
You: I made a series of bad decisions and now I have this horrible hangover. How do I deal with it?
YAFI: It’s shocking that your body is revolting after you binged on literal poison, but this is the curse you must bear for cheating on your AlcoholEdu modules.
If you forgot that about the old sayings “beer before liquor, never sicker” or “if you drink like an uncontrollable alcohol-consuming monster, you’re going to feel bad when you wake up the next morning,” here are a few tips:
In all your suffering, be sure to stay hydrated. Alternate water, Gatorade and Four Loko.
Keep yourself full of soft foods to avoid nausea. Eat a loaf of bread or swallow a lump of cotton — whatever feels best on your stomach.
Go with a classic hangover look by pairing glasses with a scarf in all locations and temperatures. People will know not to mess with you, but they might mistake you for someone’s aunt and point you to the nearest Chico’s.
Take a cold shower so you hate what’s happening on the outside of your body more than what’s happening on the inside.
The best cure for a hangover is prevention, so next time opt for a different fun drink, like Juicy Juice or a Tang or one of those curvaceous bottles of fruit punch with the pull-off tabs.
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