Drew Goins (“Squanto” in his kindergarten Thanksgiving play) and Kelsey Weekman (“Gourd No. 2”) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I avoid awkwardness at the Thanksgiving table?
You Asked for It: The holidays can seem like one long Political Science 101 recitation: arguing about things nobody did the reading on and just trying to get your participation credit.
It’s easy to get complacent after attending your clique’s friendsgiving. For the real thing this Thursday, the stuffing’s hot — but the takes are even hotter.
When your kin’s cordial façade starts cracking like a punkin’ pie left in the oven too long, find things you’re all thankful for, such as the N.C. State graduates who farmed the bounty that fills the cornucopia.
Duck out by losing consciousness. Fall asleep after one bite of turkey, claiming tryptophan-itis. Revive yourself for pie before succumbing again, when Aunt Debbie will have joined you in your semi-awake stupor.
Apply to get an official Thanksgiving pardon from the president, who started alternating between reprieving turkeys and millennials.
You: N.C. State fans care so much more about our so-called rivalry than we do. How do I find a balance between hatred and apathy for the game Saturday?
YAFI: What’s more magical than Christmas and more satisfying than Thanksgiving? UNC’s semi-annual encounter with N.C. State’s sport team — a celebration of the NCAA’s most lopsided rivalry.
Get angry. Remember, when dealing with State fans, one person from a group always represents the entire group. We’re all sissy cheaters just like they’re all topless_fat_guy_slinging_shirt.gif.
No matter what kind of State fan you face, the “One Who Sets Couches on Fire” or “The One Who’s Super Sensitive about Farm Jokes,” do as they do — rejoice in every loss they endure as if you earned it yourself. Retweet their every grammatical mistake to prove you’re not the illiterate Tar Hole they think you are.
All jokes aside, State fans should be admired for their dedication. They all successfully bleed red, and I’ve never been passionate nor deoxygenated enough to bleed blue.
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