Drew Goins (little blond elf boy pumped for the holiday season) and Kelsey Weekman (still unclear on whether or not she is Jewish) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m stumped on what to give my friends for Christmas, can you guys help?
You Asked for It: This is not something you can pass on, lest you be haunted by the evil version of Santa Claus: Krampus or Donald Sutherland.
Oprah’s favorite things for UNC students this year include a basketball signed by one of the players who played a lot while Marcus Paige was hurt, a fedora signed by Larry Fedora and some socks from Rob Kardashian’s surprisingly chic sock line.
For the graduating senior, get the eighth Harry Potter book (which is just a stack of printed-out J.K. Rowling tweets.)
If you’re looking for a handmade gift, try a mix CD of sexy Christmas songs like “Santa Baby,” “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” and that song that’s just a bunch of cats meowing “Jingle Bells.”
On the practical side, you can’t go wrong with a seasonal scarf.
Get your friend a chunky knit to envelop his or her body and provide them with a warm cocoon to hide from responsibilities and/or coyotes.
If you are running out of time, just slip into a skin suit and do their finals for them. That’s the greatest gift of all.
You: The end of the holidays seems to come quicker every year. How do I make the season last?
YAFI: First off, let’s all agree that the celebration police need to get out of (little) town (of Bethlehem) with their ridiculous deadlines.
If you want to trade out your white shoes for Christmas carols come Labor Day, shine bright, you star of wonder, star of night.
In fact, starting early is a great way to stretch Yule cheer.
Find a portly, white-bearded man, and sit on his lap in mid-October. Install a coat rack by your fireplace to hang any and all hang-able things by the chimney with care year-round.
Don’t worry if you missed the sleigh on your head start. No one said the holidays have to end Dec. 25.
Go all out for the little-celebrated Boxing Day on Dec. 26. Wassail house to house singing the “Rocky” theme with friends, but be sure to be in bed before Clint Eastwood from “Million Dollar Baby” comes by with sweat towels for everyone!
The biggest key here is not letting Christmas sneak up on you. Many people use countdowns they update daily. Weak ‘nog.
We say you need an Advent calendar that has you opening up a little paper door and eating a knock-off Hershey’s kiss every hour, on the hour.
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