Drew Goins (young, scrappy and hungry) and Kelsey Weekman (mainly hungry) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m a second-semester senior who’s still missing a few gen eds. What do I do?
You Asked for It: For any hopeless seniors out there who still have enough gen ed requirements left for a set of Scrabble tiles, coming back for a victory lap isn’t so bad. You’ll just have that much more experience for semester No. 9, and the first-years in Astronomy 101 will feel so bad for your meteoric fall to the bottom that they’ll let you cheat.
It’s even better if you can knock out your remaining requirements online in the summer.
You’ll still get to walk in May, but the “Game of Thrones” shame nun follows you up to the stage, and when your diploma comes in the mail, it also includes a Howler featuring Carol Folt screeching at you for not finishing in eight semesters.
Convince the administration that calculating the lowest possible grade you could make on your classical Roman art final qualified the class as quantitative intensive.
Really, they don’t even need to be classes. We suggest stomping into an adviser’s office, nailing a Cabinet rap battle from “Hamilton” and demanding a historical analysis credit.
You: It’s time for a fresh start this semester. How do I reinvent myself?
YAFI: For a subtle change, try a new haircut. We suggest that Macklemore-esque head shave that white boys love or whatever Channing Tatum did to his head before the Golden Globes.
You know there’s a name you’ve always wanted to be called. One that captures your personality more than “Rachel” or “Andrew.” Tell your professor to call you by your middle name, which they don’t have to know isn’t “Susan” or “Kylo Ren.”
Witness a crime, and the government will help with the whole assuming-a-new-identity thing. “Professional cuddler in Delaware” is so much cooler than “college student in North Carolina.”
Pick up a hobby. We’ve heard that meticulously taking notes during class lectures and looking over them afterward is a hit among Moreheads (Boreheads) and other nerds. Or try to figure out how to fit those little ships in those little bottles, which is constructive in both a practical and literal sense.
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