Kelsey Weekman (very important) and Drew Goins (very pretentious) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I have a different lunch time than my friends. How do I look cool while eating alone?
You Asked for It: It’s cool to eat alone. You can focus on redownloading your syllabuses from Sakai, and no one will speak over Sarah Koenig’s sweet voice in your ears.
Bring an elaborate lunch like duck confit with a port and sour cherry reduction so everyone will be impressed by your taste. Better yet, have it catered. Befriend the caterer; your loneliness will be abated, and you’ll have a lunch buddy with a cool hat.
Take your loneliness to the next level by purposefully repelling people. Skip the shower, embrace your natural scent and display your religious studies books. Think, “What would Liz Lemon do on the subway?”
If you want to avoid doing bits and just zen out, wear a leather jacket. Those can make even Margaret Spellings look cool.
You: I keep missing out on the basketball lottery. How do I snag that Phase I?
YAFI: On a normal day, we could make an easy Powerball joke right now, but we’re busy dividing $1.5 billion by 300 million people to be funny. Poverty solved!
First, the most important thing to do is actually enter the lottery. An academic study of our friends showed that most complainers actually never enter. Honestly, though, we don’t blame them. The GoHeels portal is harder to find than a statistician with a scratch-off.
It’s also frustrating to come up time and time again against the Carolina Fever spoils system. Down with patronage for attendants of men’s taekwondo!
Fight corruption with corruption. Hack the Fever system so that each of your friends’ One Card swipes into Lenoir counts as attending a competitive eating event worth a bajillion points.You can also trade up from nothing. Remember that person who started with one red paperclip and bartered until he got a house? Maybe your Duke risers tickets start with the English 105 textbook (value equivalent to one red paper clip).
Let’s just remember that at least we don’t schlep around for tickets camping in the cold dirt like Blue Devils do. What are we, farmers?
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