Kelsey Weekman (Make Twitter Great Again) and Drew Goins (Drew!) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I totally bombed that midterm. How can I recover?
You Asked for It: You are defined by more than your grades. But remember that grades are obviously more important than your sleep, social interaction and mental health. So looks like you actually really hecked up!
Know that at some point, everyone has failed. (This does not include Beyoncé, hopefully your doctor or Drew.)
To cheer up, do something you’re good at, like maximizing your plate in the dining hall or neglecting your reading homework. Learn from your basic mistakes. Next time, save precious study time by breathing less. Offer your professor a more personalized bribe instead of the usual. Delete your Facebook account and demand people talk to you through StudyBlue.
Change your habits. Instead of buying into the myth of learning styles, study according to your horoscope. Flash cards are in your future, Leo. Try audio recordings of the lecture, Virgo. Drop the class, Gemini.
You: How do I throw the perfect rager?
YAFI: Picking a strong theme for your soiree is tantamount. You want something chic but not overbearing, along the lines of “Old World rustic,” “earth-tone inspired” or “Beer Olympics 2016 plz plz BYOB y’all.”
No matter what the theme, you’re going to want to provide plenty of refreshments for attendees. Keep in mind that certain drinks accompany some foods better than others. Chips and Harris Teeter salsa pair wonderfully with a full-bodied Four Loko, and Crystal Light plays nicely with the light acidity of Aristocrat.
When making punch, as always, homemade Everclear adds a lovely authenticity, but store-bought will do.
Guests will appreciate a deftly arranged centerpiece, too. Consider fresh flowers bedecking the bucket everyone pours sips of their drink into for King’s Cup. Festive and functional!
Finally, place cards are the extra touch that show your guests you’ve really thought ahead. Make a cute place holder for “The Person Who Wants to Talk Crap and/or Steal My Roommate’s Beverages,” and leave it in the kitchen. Put “The Person Who Drank Too Many Full-Bodied Four Lokos” on top of the toilet.
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