Kelsey Weekman (who has the indomitable focus and determination of Rey from “Star Wars”) and Drew Goins (Jar Jar Binks) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: What do I do if I get a flat tire?
You Asked for It: Ask your dad, or any local dad. Changing a flat tire is one of the first things they learn in Dad School, after “coming up with horrific puns” and “reading books about the Civil War on the toilet.”
If there are no dads in your area, consult the internet. Search YouTube for “tire.” Click on “Tired of Being Sorry” by Enrique Iglesias. Watch the video. Wonder why his career died after “Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song).” Forget all your tire troubles.
If you have to use your vehicle any time soon, check to make sure you have a Jack. If you don’t, Evan Williams will do.
If you don’t have a spare, create a makeshift tire out of a stack of mix CDs from high school held together with the strings from old air fresheners.
Once you’ve completed these steps, you’ll have a functioning vehicle and be halfway to completeing your Eagle Scout.
You: I really want to crash an admissions tour. Any strategies?
YAFI: It’s hard not to want to demolish the bubbly vigor of that brood of ambassadors which walks with more pep in its step backward than you do forward. And the gaggle of googly eyed prospective students that follows them have an innocence that is just so ripe for destroying.
As the tour gets started, offer to evaluate the high schoolers’ shot of making it in.
Demand SAT scores. Test them with GLBL 210 flash cards they’ve never seen to determine how high their Carolina Way midichlorian count is.
When the guide takes them to talk about history and tradition at the Old Well, guzzle from the water fountain aggressively so that no visitor has a chance to get a coveted sip.
Offer the inside scoop on all the PG-13 legendry that comes with campus, like the story about how Silent Sam fires off his gun when a virgin passes by or how the Kissing Bench breaks in two when someone uses too much tongue.
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