Kelsey Weekman (Joel James eating imaginary oatmeal) and Drew Goins (Luke Maye stirring Joel’s imaginary oatmeal for him from the bench so it doesn’t get lumpy) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I feasibly attend the Final Four?
You Asked for It: First you have to snag one of those student tickets that only the Illuminati and Carolina Fever (one and the same) knew about before noon Monday. The sticker price was only $40, but if you looked at the fine print, you also consented to name your firstborn Joel Berry II. (Also, your name is now legally Joel Berry I.)
If you’re having trouble pulling together travel funds for the trip, just apply for a credit card or four. Make sure you pick a card that gives you rewards when you make gas purchases. By the time you get to Houston, you’ll have enough points to book a flight back home.
The drive to Houston really isn’t that long anyway, though. Clocking in at about 18 hours, it’s only three quarters of a Dance Marathon (with 100 percent more sitting), twice the duration of standing in line for Duke seats or just enough time — and we did the math — to sing the alma mater and fight song 762 times in a row.
You: How do I make the most of watching the NCAA tournament from home?
YAFI: Simple. Grab your blue cup full of Coke, pseudo-official drink of UNC sporting events, and join us for the NCAA tournament drinking game.
Drink any time you see a joke about academic scandal (for UNC OR Syracuse!) on Twitter. Two drinks if it’s a State fan.
Drink when you wonder about whether Theo Pinson crashing that press conference was a joke or a cry for help.
Finish your drink when an announcer prematurely talks about the next game.
Finish your neighbor’s drink when someone posts to the Overheard at UNC Facebook group about a player on the opposing team looking like a cartoon.
Get IV fluids of your drink when Marcus Paige and Brice Johnson look at each other in that will-they-won’t-they sort of way.
At the end of the game, you’ll need to call an Uber. Or you could just call Brice Johnson, and he will carry you home like he does regularly for the rest of the team.
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