Kelsey Weekman (#SoWhite) and Drew Goins (the first openly LGBT man to write an advice column, he decided) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m having a hard time participating in class. What am I supposed to do, drop 10 percent of my grade in everything?
You Asked for It: There’s no reason to be shy. Everyone else in your class is a scared baby desperate to graduate, just like you.
Except for that one guy who sits in the front row and turns every moment of discussion into a chance to wax philosophical about the mundane. Don’t worry, he’ll end up very successful one day, but it’ll be, like, really exhausting.
Get pumped to speak up before class. Jam to the “Ice Princess” soundtrack (the anthem to a bashful generation) and take a sip of one of those suspicious canned Starbucks drinks. The added energy might propel you through the roof, but you’ll certainly break the glass (gypsum plaster) ceiling.
Talk to your professor about your anxiety. He’ll remind you that public speaking is a necessary skill for success in the “real world.” Tell that to Leonardo DiCaprio. As far as we know, he never had to speak in front of a crowd until Sunday night.
You: I’m not using my swipes quickly enough, and my mom’s on my back about it. How should I spend them more quickly?
YAFI: Your mother’s on-your-back-ness is understandable. A swipe a la carte into the dining hall is like $12 a pop for reconstituted eggs and soy nuggets. (To be fair, the advantages of buying in bulk are myriad. A full meal plan knocks the price down to like $11.50 a pop for reconstituted eggs and soy nuggets.)
You can also apprise yourself of the swipe equivalency program. Everyone knows you can use swipes for certain meals at the Wendy’s in the Union, but few are familiar with the real gems of the trade-in program. Five swipes gets you a meal and side salad from Spanky’s. Ten can be traded in for three courses and a pre-ordered blueberry wheat draft beer at Top of the Hill. One quarter of a swipe gets you Waffle House if you haggle enough.
When in doubt, post up outside a dining hall and dole out swipes like the benevolent Oprah you know you are. Being mistaken for Whoopi Goldberg is optional.
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