Kelsey Weekman (Flamin’ Hot Cheetos) and Drew Goins (stale Bugles) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m starting a new diet. How do I stick to it?
You Asked for It: Get rid of temptation by eliminating all food and people around you.
If the hangry feeling to kill even your loved ones has passed, be sure to let everyone know that you’re on a diet.
Don’t spare any details, especially if you’re going vegan, and be sure to note how different their habits are from yours.
Simplify your diet by just eating things that are green, like lettuce, grass and the Mike Wazowski stuffed animal your roommate got during Spring Break at Disney World.
Fill the void by drinking water. Michelle Obama drinks like 90 ounces per day, and have you seen her arms? She’s got enough power in those things to crush the patriarchy, so you can power through this diet.
Remember, nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Except pizza, potatoes, waffles, ice cream, cupcakes, those little zebra cakes you can get at the Pit Stop, french fries, hamburgers, checkout aisle candy, chicken nuggets, flan, calamari, regular squid that’s not calamari, fish eggs and chicken.
You: Now that I’ve gotten an internship, how do I find housing in The Big City?
YAFI: First off, congrats on landing a job in Washington/New York/Zootopia! You’re well on your way to becoming a senator/halal vendor/stereotype-shattering small mammal on a police force.
Beware of Craigslist options that seem too good to be true. “1BR/1BA, 5 MIN FROM METRO!!!!!!!” sounds great, but we’re pretty sure it either costs all of your (read: your parents’) monthly budget or is owned by the witch who tried to eat Hansel and Gretel.
Find alumni who might have rooms to rent. Pros: finding He’s Not blue cups in the cabinets and remembering home. Cons: hearing 39,203 times that it’s a shame Pepper’s Pizza closed.
Put in extra time for your internship. Once you get off at 5 p.m., come in 16 hours early for tomorrow’s shift.
If your office kicks you out at night, just wander the streets. Bathe in the Reflecting Pool/hot dog water/that part of Zootopia that’s the rainforest.
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