Kelsey Weekman (happiest she’s ever been to stare at the cardboard backing of a picture frame for eternity) and Drew Goins (third or fourth happiest he’s ever been to stare at the cardboard backing of a picture frame for eternity) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I keep basketball season going after today?
You Asked for It: Despite the most crushing defeat since Michael Jordan played baseball, it’s natural to want to extend the hype of basketball season past the final game.
The Dean Dome viewing experience during March Madness was great, but it doesn’t have to stop there. Throw other things up on the arena big screen: “House of Cards,” the campus Snapchat story, your Psychology 245 Quizlet.
Custom-order Fathead stickers of basketball players for your house so you’re never far from them. For the most realistic effect, also order a Fathead of a yellow-jacketed security employee who will keep you from approaching the Fatheads of the team or sitting in any unattended seats nearby.
The most surefire way, though, is to continue paying voluntary covers for celebratory trips to He’s Not Here. When the bouncer looks at you quizzically after you slip him a ten, just give him a wink and say it’s what Roy would want.
You: I need someone to look up to now that Marcus Paige and Brice Johnson are graduating. Who should I idolize?
YAFI: Heroes are all around us. We have a few to share:
Look up to anyone who has ever gotten a photo with Grayson Allen at Shooters. Also, anyone who has gotten a photo with Ted Cruz at Shooters. We can’t really tell them apart.
Anyone who saw the line at 1 a.m. for tickets to TOPO to watch the game and immediately turned around and went home is a hero among us. Congrats on a night of sleep you’ll surely remember forever, btw!
People who let you pet their dogs are the most noble of blood and pure of heart in all of the land. Strive to be like that.
Shout-outs to the legendary professor who canceled the Statistics 155 exam then reinstated it. We’ll never forget you! Seriously.
Olivia Benson from “Law and Order: SVU.” This one is dead serious.
Here are a few rapid-fire options if you haven’t heard one you like yet: the girl who captured and raised a squirrel three years ago, the butt slapper who is in the UNC Marching Band, anyone who has done something For The Kids without relentlessly posting on social media about it, Enrique Iglesias, anyone else who has ever sung a power ballad about being a hero, Ferris Bueller and the anonymous commenter who keeps telling us to get a life. Wouldn’t have gotten a life without your input, friend!
To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.
