Kelsey Weekman (Dr Pepper with vanilla and a splash of peach Fanta) and Drew Goins (water with lemon) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: What should I do with all the extra CCI printing money I have left?
You Asked for It: Of the $40 allotted, you’ve probably got at least $10 left — or $37 if you’re a senior.
To get rid of that, splurge on color printing in the UL, which costs 30 cents per page, or 3-D printing in Wilson Labs, which costs 80 cents per synthetic heart valve.
Type up and print anything you’d usually quickly scribble by hand, like reminders, grocery lists and, again, any and all term papers if you’re a senior.
Print festive end-of-the-year decorations for your room, like graduation cap cut-outs or the screenplay of “High School Musical 2.”
If you have one of those friends who dillydallied on getting bar golf wristbands, and now you have to start drinking at, like, the make-your-own Coke machine at Noodles & Company, run to Davis to color photocopy someone else’s wristband.
You: I need a makeover. How do I best glamorize the deeply ordinary look I was born with?
YAFI: Get a haircut that frames your head shape. If you have a horse face, grow out your mane. If you have a potato head, shave it and plop a hat on. If you have a Chia Pet face, give scissors to an elementary schooler and see what happens.
Contour your face to have cheekbones like Kelsey, a butt chin like Drew or a third eye like any children they might have. You can also use the contouring stick to draw a turtle on your cheek so people will be too distracted to see your unibrow.
If you have money to splurge, invest in Kylie Jenner’s lip kit, Rob Kardashian’s sock kit or Khloe Kardashian’s stealing-tweets-from-Yahoo-Answers kit.
If you’re on a budget, try the Fit Tea Detox or SugarBearHair Vitamins their Instagram doppelgangers and former “Bachelor” contestants are selling.
Photoshop is the most powerful weapon in beauty. Remove any blemishes you might have by placing a photo of Jennifer Lawrence’s face over yours.
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