Kiana Cole (only child) and Alison Krug (mother of three) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column.
You: Back sweat. Help.
You Asked for It: Back to school means back (to) sweat, and it’s only natural that you contemplate your entire existence after walking outside for only 8 minutes yet looking like you’ve fallen into the obscure fountain by the old PlayMakers theater.
To combat back sweat, consider sewing together scented dryer sheets to wear as a corset under your clothes, using the shreds of last week’s BIO 101 syllabus as the thread. Not only will this soak up your sweat, but you’ll also smell like “April fresh” flowers or “pure sport” while putting your syllabuses to good use.
If for some reason you’re swarmed by bumblebees or jocks as a result, try adjusting your wardrobe to better mask your inevitable saturation. Nothing hides back sweat quite as well as an all-black ensemble. Claim it’s because you’re mourning “Harambe.”
You: How do I survive without a meal plan?
YAFI: Adulting in your early 20s, or, as our great-grandparents called it, “Enjoying the last few years before the steep descent to the inevitable clutches of cholera,” can be tough! Dining halls are the only spaces on campus where, with but a swipe of a One Card, you can eat unlimited cookies and listen to Chumbawamba’s “Tubthumping” casually blaring through overhead speakers.
If you left your meal plan in the dust only to realize that the bulk of your cooking smarts comes from Facebook videos of things that aren’t supposed to be cooked in waffle irons being cooked in waffle irons, put “Tubthumping” on a loop and consider your options.
Embrace Chapel Hill’s agrarian initiatives — your friend who was slightly too into the “Hunger Games” can help you identify which plants from UNC’s Edible Campus gardens are palatable and which are persimmons.
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