Kiana Cole (leaving to study abroad) and Alison Krug (a broad) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I don’t think my sip from the Old Well on FDOC is working. How do I still get a 4.0?
You Asked for It: The time-honored tradition of waiting three hours to sip what may be Duke pee from the Old Well loses its splendor after getting a 47 on your first ECON test.
If you’re still determined finish out the semester with nothing less than perfection, consider studying the successes of our most notable alumni. Strategize how to take land from Mexico like 11th president and UNC class of 1818 grad James K. Polk. Wear nothing but the number 23 and chant “J’s on my feet” before every big exam.
Consider the truth: Anyone who claims to be a 4.0-er is a hologram manufactured by the University as a standard of perfection and will disintegrate into the sunlight upon graduation.
You: What should I expect at my first college party?
YAFI: College parties are more than just a way to scope out real estate around campus. They’re a way to meet new people while texting your roommate about the real hardwood floors in houses off Rosemary Street.
When in doubt, know that parties are just like on TV — one show in particular — the 1995 BBC mini-series of Jane Austen’s “Pride and Prejudice.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that an underclassman in possession of a free Friday night and a Toppers coupon must be in want of a place to turn up.
Make your grand entrance like the Regency Era diva you are, trying to hide that you just walked six miles from Longbourn to Netherfield/Hinton James to AEPi.
Just remember there’s only one thing on everybody’s mind: primogeniture.
Still need help? Here's a list of do's and don't's for UNC icebreakers!
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