Kiana Cole (English breakfast tea) and Alison Krug (a 5-Hour Energy on the rocks) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How can I stay cool during UNC football games so I’ll want to stay until the end?
You Asked for It: While everyone in the student section feels like they are on fire for three hours of football, our team sometimes waits until the last milliseconds of the game to truly bring the heat.
Instead of trading your school spirit in for an air-conditioned viewing experience where you could probably see the game better on television, consider how to outlast your friends with these cooling techniques.
Before kickoff, find the closest source of organic matter to create your own homemade tar. Prove you know what “Tar Heel” actually means by dipping your heels into basins of hot tar. While the process will be excruciating, the heat and humidity of the football game will seem miniscule compared to the first-degree burns on your heels.
Bring your favorite brand of antiperspirant with you to the game to stay hygienic. It seems weird, but RelAXE™. You can keep it a Secret™ if you apply your deodorant discreetly, swiping it on while striking a 90-Degree™ angle during the “L” of the “C-A-R-O-L-I-N-A” motions.
You: How do I keep my family entertained when they visit?
YAFI: Showing your parents around college is a delicate balancing act of looking put together enough to convince them you are the adult you technically legally are while also looking desolate enough that they’ll buy you groceries.
Running low on time but still obligated to parade your parents around the school? Multitask and treat the visit as your UNC Admissions Ambassadors audition. Two points for every a cappella group you walk past, three points for telling an unreceptive audience the Bell Tower looks like a dunce cap on Wilson Library and an automatic fail if they catch sight of South Campus.
Feel free to embellish. Did James K. Polk personally plant every blade of grass in Polk Place? Were the Ehringhaus tunnels really the filming location for “National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets”? Was the Morehead-Patterson Bell Tower a gift to Chapel Hill from the people of France? Who knows! Not your parents!
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