Alison Krug (going on dates) and Kiana Cole (accidentally ate a date) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: All my friends have dates to the State Fair but me. Should I still go with them?
You Asked For It: While thousands of lovers will flock to the fair this week, remember most of them are 14 and hoping to get side hugged before the night’s end.
Whether you go alone or with a group, don’t be fooled by the name. Nothing is “fair” about spending $1.2 trillion on deep-fried Jell-O clusters and rides as unpredictable as the lifespan of the goldfish you just won.
And yes, having someone to carry the financial burden of the fair with you is a plus, but don’t be afraid of spending your evening riding solo — except, don’t literally ride the rides solo, because it’s important to have someone in The Zipper cage with you when you’re inevitably stuck upside down for two hours.
Instead, while your friends and their significant others treat the fair like the romantic institution it is not, try entering a competition. Want to put your high school friend majoring in Hay at N.C. State to the test? Consider the “Forage” contest for the chance to win $55, which will buy you one and a half ride tickets, probably!
You: How can I make the most of my Fall Break?
YAFI: Fall Break, instated in 1795 when Hinton James realized he left all of his sweaters at home and needed a University-allotted long weekend to walk back to Wilmington to get them (probably), is Spring Break’s shorter, sadder cousin.
If Spring Break is Wilson Library, Fall Break is a course pack lodged in a sewer grate. If Spring Break is the Clef Hangers singing “Carolina in My Mind,” Fall Break is being stuck on a bus ride next to someone listening to the “The Music Man” soundtrack on repeat with their headphones turned up slightly too loud.
If Spring Break is a good analogy, Fall Break is this analogy.
Fall Break is an abbreviated opportunity to take a breath and catch up on the semester, for as Confucius almost said, “Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we (promise ourselves we’ll maybe actually do some homework on (F)all (Break).”
Just in case, take your homework along with you — as Hinton James knows showing up is enough to be successful — on your autumnal travels to such traditional, exotic Fall Break destinations as “Your Couch” or “State Fair Traffic.”
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