Alison Krug (Marnie from “Halloweentown”) and Kiana Cole (Marnie from “Return to Halloweentown”) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m feeling really unmotivated to study for my last midterm. How do I make it through?
You Asked For It: Once midterms start, it seems like they never stop, like an unending plague or Dance Marathon emails. There are no winners, only survivors, and you’re almost done.
Exercising is one of the best ways to get motivated. When you’re hyperventilating over your illegible lab notes, focus in on flexing your core abdominals, using the nervous heaving motions to strengthen those muscles.
Staying well nourished is critical. Incorporate snacks into your studying with StudySnax!™(maybe). Math 118 midterm? Study some geometry while munching on a crisp Fractal App(t)le! Wanna ace your biology exam? Sweeten your evening with some Endoplasmic Reticu-Gummy Bears!
You: It’s starting to get cold outside. How will I survive the winter, and does this mean global warming is a hoax?
You Asked for It: We are dawning upon the time of year in which we trade out our back sweat for sniffly noses. And then trade back for a few weeks. The fall comes with many a blessing: Crunchy leaves. Warm sweaters. Listicles about “Halloweentown” that don’t catch autocorrects of “Marnie” to “marine.”
Most cold weather conundrums can be solved with the proper attire. Survive this long winter and remind yourself of those happy golden years by padding your clothes with pages of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s “The Long Winter” and “These Happy Golden Years.”
As for the second question, here at YAFI, our No. 1 priority is enabling our readers’ UNConspiracy theories. We’ll be promptly forwarding your question to our second-favorite satirical advice column: You Asked Al Gore for It.
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