Kiana Cole (little drummer boy) and Alison Krug (little plumber boy) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I get a significant other by Christmas?
You Asked for It: Somewhere in between the list of what you’re thankful for not including a love interest and you avoiding the mistletoe like it’s the plague, your family is bound to pick up on your singleness. But you know what? Aunt Bernadette who you only see twice a year is right to condemn you. And yeah, like she said, maybe if you wore jeans without holes in them someone would notice you.
Thankfully, you’re here at college to secure a match during your most attractive season. Nothing screams “I’m ready to date you!” like patches of hair falling out of your head due to stress. Most importantly, remember that if it doesn’t work out right now, there’s always midterm season.
You: How do I find the perfect Secret Santa gift on a college budget?
YAFI: Secret Santa exchanges are the most heartwarming way to only buy one present for the whole holiday season. Getting a present for a die-hard UNC fan? Get them the ultimate gift: fleeting hyperlocalized internet fame. Take a cue from the owner of CarolFolt.com, and grab all the UNCelebrity-inspired domain names you can find. Your friends will love the endless possibilities at hand with LarryFedora.gov and IStillMissMarcusPaige.bellsouth.net.
Want a more tangible gift that still comes in Carolina Blue? Bring on the material holiday mirth with a UNC Athletic-Academic Scandal Advent calendar, with a public record behind each day’s door.
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