Alison Krug (Christmas Elf) and Kiana Cole (parents didn’t let her believe in Santa) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I spread holiday cheer in the midst of studying?
You Asked for It:The go-to is taking Buddy the Elf up on singing loud for all to hear, but if you try that in the middle of Davis Library, you’ll be quickly reprimanded and it’ll turn once again into a Silent Night.
So get inventive. Remember the smash hit of the early 2000s, “The Christmas Shoes?” Make your own! This could involve gift-wrapping your favorite pair of sneakers, wearing presents as shoes or painting little mistles on your toes.
Avoid the essay prompts assigned by your professors and instead turn in some analytical ponderings of seasonal relevance. Is “reindeer games” a euphemism? Is Santa Claus the manifestation of our societal desperation to escape the literal world and embark upon the metaphysical? What chromosonal abnormality could have possibly occurred in Rudolph’s embryonic development to produce a red nose with seemingly electric properties?
You: I have a packed exam schedule and don’t have time to celebrate LDOC. How can I have a fun yet productive last day of class?
YAFI: With finals just a day away, LDOC is the one day of the year where you know for sure that every single student is going to get wasted ... opportunities and chances from during the semester following them with a sense of culminating and compounding dread.
Find a sense of closure by finishing your semester bucket list. Haven’t high-fived every member of the field hockey team, shared a meal with a UNC garbage squirrel, stolen Larry Fedora’s fedora, ridden a unicycle across a slackline or other things we’re assuming are on the UNC bucket list? You have one wild day left to figure it out.
Close your day by preparing yourself for the hustle and bustle of finals. Get a good night’s sleep. Switch out your writing utensils for waterproof pens that won’t be budged by tears or coffee. Change your email signature to Enya lyrics ruminating on the transience of our beings and the great mysteries of time before you email your TAs to ask for an extension.
As Enya crooned, “Who can say where the road goes? Where the day flows?” Not Sakai. “Only time.”
To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.
