Kiana Cold and Alisnow Krug are the writers of UNC’s premier ((sn)o(w)nly!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I brave the snow to get to class?
You Asked for It: Ah, spring is in the air as we begin our new semester, but not really because all of the fresh new hope symbolized in this season is buried under our anxieties and snow.
But you’ve still gotta get to class despite the ice, and as one of my professors said in an uplifting email about his class this semester, there’s a good chance you’ll fail.
It’s easy to lose hope on your journey to class when you faceplant on the ice and start bleeding profusely from your head. But don’t seek Campus Health medical attention—you couldn’t make it to South Campus anyway.
Keep on.
The best way to strategically make it to class would be by gathering up the two densest textbooks that you will never actually open and strapping them to your shoes in order to create impromptu skates. Even though the textbooks are, like, $400, each, you’ll finally be putting them to use!
Another more practical option is to text Academy Award-winner Cuba Gooding Jr. about where to find seven to eight “snow dogs” like the ones from his 2002 hit movie “Snow Dogs.” I can’t promise your RA will say nothing about half-a-dozen huskies sleeping in your communal bathroom, but your professors will appreciate your punctuality.
You: What are some Chapel Hill New Year’s resolutions I can use to ring in the new semester?
YAFI: If you’re ready to let the foibles of last semester slide and slip away as you slip and slide to class with the mantra, “New semester, new me,” here are the UNC resolutions you need to take you into this year:
Resolve to attend every single UNC game. Show your school spirit at every basketball game, soccer match, squirrel-fighting ring, ConnectCarolina drop-add betting pool, Hinton James impersonation contest and club men’s lacrosse game.
Resolve to leave your mark on campus by creating a new piece of UNC lore. Whisper rumors while walking through the Pit with the hope that something sticks: Claim that the patio of TOPO was the original campus of UNC-Asheville or that the Bowman Gray Memorial Pool was the filming location for the Disney Channel Original Movie “Johnny Tsunami” or that Heelmail stands for “Helping Elvis Eternally Live.”
Resolve to get inducted into a UNCecret society. Stand outside Gimghoul Castle holding a boombox and beg them to take you in.
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