Kiana Cole (she’s beauty and she’s grace) and Alison Krug (accidentally set a sweet potato on fire this morning in the microwave, still ate it) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: How do I endure this semester’s 8 a.m. classes?
You Asked for It: It’s a tale as old as time: Last-Semester You was under the influence of optimism and signed up for classes that begin before the rooster’s crow. Suddenly, that obnoxious version of yourself is confronted with the real you, the one that is trudging through the wee hours of the morn that Last-Semester You thought “Wouldn’t be that bad!”
It is that bad, Last-Semester Self, you fool!
Dig through your stereotypical school supplies — pens, pencils, night-vision goggles. You have to navigate your dark apartment somehow! You wouldn’t want to wake your roommates ...
But that’s exactly what you want to do. If you have to endure an 8 a.m., so should they. Tell them you’re allergic to solids and will now have a diet consisting entirely of smoothies, which is why you’ll be blending away at all hours of the morning.
You: I don’t have summer plans yet. Is it too late to do something cool?
YAFI: At this point in the year, most internships have already required you to have applied three months predating your birth under the light of the full harvest moon with your application essays notarized by an old Catholic bishop and a young Protestant insurance salesman and accompanied by no fewer than seven formal letters of recommendation (one being an anecdotal tale from an old sea captain about how you saved his fishing business and became fully versed in the nuances of maritime law and one being an acrostic poem of your name spun by a quiet yet creative spider) and a cover letter lauding your greatest accomplishments and containing the best recipe for scones you know, all in under 300 words without sounding too braggy — but you still have a few options left for making summer plans. There are always summer classes.
To get the day's news and headlines in your inbox each morning, sign up for our email newsletters.
