Kiana Cole (Justin Jackson of The Daily Tar Heel office) and Alison Krug (Rameses of the DTH break room) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: What are we supposed to do Thursday for the away Duke game?
You Asked for It:The away Duke games have a totally different vibe than the games in our sacred Dean Dome. It’s not an exaggeration to equate this to God sending an angel to play basketball in the pits of Hell — everyone is uneasy about such purity being tainted by the sheer atmosphere of the opposition.
But as the old adage goes: If you love something, let it go, and if it loves you it will come back — hypothetically, but in this case they might crawl back because no one really cares that “TrippityTripster” Allen’s legs seem to have only gotten stronger during their lengthy suspension.
Protect our boys for the away game by duct taping pillows to every Carolina basketball player you pretend you don’t notice on campus. You don’t need to say anything — they’ll understand and be thankful.
You:How do the Duke home game ticket phases work?!
YAFI: As the most athletically inclined members of the newsroom, we’re glad to guide you through this hallowed seating arrangement and the presumed perks that come with each tier.
Phase Five: You get to make long, prolonged, painfully long eye contact across the stadium with a poster of Marcus Paige’s face brought by someone who forgot he graduated. You look into each other’s souls. You are one. You also get a little woozy from the altitude.
Phase Four: You get to smuggle one cooked sweet potato into the game to have as a snack.
Phase Three: You get to make a “Have a nice trip? See you next fall!” joke to Grayson Allen, which he will be obliged to either smile or laugh at, not both, your choice.
Phase Two: Justin Jackson composes a limerick about you and helps you with your ENGL 105i homework.
Phase One: You each take a turn recreating the “Unchained Melody” pottery scene from “Ghost” with Roy (Williams or Cooper — again, it’s your choice).
Or something like that.
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