You Asked for It: In which we secure you a lover and get tasteful lower-back tats

Alison Krug (SinglesWithFoodAllergies.com) and Kiana Cole (SeaCaptainDate.com) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You:How do I ask the cute guy in my class to be my Valentine?

You Asked for It: Sadly, the fate of our relationship status for the next year is often determined by how successful we are at schmoozing attractive classmates on Valentine’s Day.

You thought teach up there was a professor? Maybe any other day of the year, but today, she’s your wingwoman. Define this dynamic by presenting her with a tearful “Will you be my bridesmaid?” display, but cross out “bridesmaid” and write “wingwoman,” adding in any and all inside jokes you two have, like how you got a 75 on your last essay for simply forgetting one parenthetical citation. Haha!

Now that your professor has organized your love interest’s Scantron bubbles to spell out “I’M IN LOVE WITH YOU” on your next exam, it’s time for you to make moves.

Introduce your beau to the idea of a relationship with subtle clues. Fly little paper airplanes with lipstick kiss marks over to his desk, then upgrade by throwing assorted chocolates at his head. Finally, slingshot a pair of dirty underwear at him — men can just never seem to remember to pick their clothes up off the floor, but this will show you’ll love him through it, anyway.

You:How do I let my crush know I’m single and ready to mingle?

YAFI: Start by dropping subtle, tasteful hints.

If your potential paramour is a recitation crush, try out a lower back tattoo of a New Yorker cartoon to show ’em you’re both fun and an intellectual.

If your should-be suitor is a dining hall crush, make a point to mention that you drink soy milk because you prefer it, not because you have a debilitating lactose issue as your eyes meet over nondairy creamer.

If your someday swain is your bus stop crush, wear a second pair of headphones over your normal earbuds with the volume turned all the way up. This’ll lead your potential betrothed to believe you listen to cool alt-indie banjo music always and also hide that you’ve been listening to a playlist of the theme from “Treme” and the same three Gloria Estefan songs since 10th grade.