Kiana Cole (selected as Luke Maye’s eyebrow intern) and Alison Krug (recipient of the 2017 Shea Rush’s Hat Fellowship) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.
You: I’m starting to get the feeling that basketball is pretty important here. What are some tips so it sounds like I understand what’s happening during the game on Saturday?
You Asked for It: I get it, basketball in high school was just a way for tall people to hang out on hardwood floors. But at UNC, it’s different. And you’re going to look like a loser if you were to hypothetically say something like, “Wait — could he foul back in?” Hahahaha! Silly!
Here’s what you need to know: When Theo Pinson dunks and misses, it’s zero points. When he dunks and gets it in, it’s one point. Like, 12 steps back from a dunk is worth two points. A little further from that is three points. When Luke Maye fiddles with his mouthguard, it’s six points. When Roy wears tweed, it’s 14-and-a-half points.
That seems like all you need to know. If you have more questions, the best time to speak up and ask them would be right as any of our boys are setting up for an important shot. GTHO!
You: I can’t make it all the way to Phoenix for the Final Four. How can I cheer on the team from home?
YAFI: There are plenty of ways to feel like you’re in Phoenix without leaving the comfort of your time zone.
Get in touch with your crafty side: Crochet a pair of Luke Maye eyebrows to wear in support of the team. Cross-stitch Joel Berry’s draft prospects or his even-more-likely future modeling contract. Whittle a statue of Roy Williams mid-daggum.
Get a little ’stitious with whatever basketball-luck ritual you need: For the entire month of March, don’t wash the suit you made of printed Carolina Fever listserv emails that you always wear under your clothes. Light a prayer candle in front of movie posters for “Space Jam,” “Like Mike” and the basketball “Air Bud”. Bring a potato to the game.
Get in sync with the players: In honor of Luke Maye’s noble devotion to going to class the morning after his game-winning shot, humbly and dutifully perform your base obligations as a human being, like taxes and breathing.
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