You Asked for It: In which we deal with failure’s sting and plan your perfect party

Kelsey Weekman (Make Twitter Great Again) and Drew Goins (Drew!) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we court dookies and get you closer to the court

Kelsey Weekman (“to hate like this is to be happy forever”) and Drew Goins (dook sucks lol) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we get you ready for the most romantic day of the year

Kelsey Weekman (a lot like Cupid) and Drew Goins (stupid) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we fix tires and ruin admissions tours

Kelsey Weekman (who has the indomitable focus and determination of Rey from “Star Wars”) and Drew Goins (Jar Jar Binks) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

In which we invoke a scientologist to talk about power and snow.

Kelsey Weekman (Condition 2) and Drew Goins (Condition Eww) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we plan a lonely lunch and get you basketball seats

Kelsey Weekman (very important) and Drew Goins (very pretentious) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we exploit founding fathers and witness protection

Drew Goins (young, scrappy and hungry) and Kelsey Weekman (mainly hungry) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

Yule Asked for It: In which we spread holiday cheer and use the words “skin suit”

Drew Goins (little blond elf boy pumped for the holiday season) and Kelsey Weekman (still unclear on whether or not she is Jewish) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we wish everyone but the Wolfpack a bountiful harvest

Drew Goins (“Squanto” in his kindergarten Thanksgiving play) and Kelsey Weekman (“Gourd No. 2”) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we name your new pup and do your homework

Kelsey Weekman (2015 Draco Malfoy edition of Justin Bieber) and Drew Goins (2009 bowl cut edition of Bieber) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we do not jinx sports teams and curate your playlist

Kelsey Weekman (all work and no play this week) and Drew Goins (in a play this weekend) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we pass/fail an entire semester and heal your hangover

Kelsey Weekman (not like most girls) and Drew Goins (not NOT like most girls) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results mayvary.

Boo Asked for It: In which we extort goodies and chaperone costumed couples

Kelsey Weekman and Drew Goins (two lumps, one sheet) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we mock poor, poor Lincoln Chafee and get to snugglin’

You Asked for It: In which we plan your fall break and foment dorm room romance

Kelsey Weekman (ready for fall break) and Drew Goins (fall broken) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary. You: I forgot to make fall break plans, and now all my friends are leaving. What do I do?

You Asked For It: In which we hide from Joaquin and rise from bed like a phoenix

Drew Goins (b. 1994) and Kelsey Weekman (1994-2013) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we help make your class presentation a masterpiece

Kelsey Weekman (proud one-time Prezi user) and Drew Goins (Prezi brand ambassador) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we preempt unemployment and also education reform

Kelsey Weekman (business casual) and Drew Goins (resort skanky) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.

You Asked for It: In which we don’t care about your coffee and look for parking

You Asked for It: In which we avoid a cappella groups and participation grades

Drew Goins (The Achordants gave him a callback freshman year!) and Kelsey Weekman (The Achordants gave her a restraining order freshman year!) are the writers of UNC’s premier (only!) satirical advice column. Results may vary.