Eugene Kim

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Computenik? Japan, You're Kidding Right?

By Eugene Kim | April 23

As of last week, the world's fastest computer resides in a Japanese laboratory. While normal people are wondering when exactly this Japanese supercomputer will be sprouting slimy tentacles and eating Tokyo, others are suggesting that we are witnessing the next "Sputnik." "In some sense we have a Computenik on our hands," said Jack Dongarra, a University of Tennessee computer scientist, in The New York Times. The intrepid Times interviewer undoubtedly responded, "Excuse me?" Blank stares ensued.

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Conscription: Another Name For Stupidity

By Eugene Kim | April 16

Remember the game "Civilization"? You know, it was the computer game that reinforced the simple concept that everybody's goal in life is to achieve global domination. Besides being addictive and overly focused on military development, the game simulated various aspects integral to the advancement of a civilization, such as scientific research, economic controls and pre-fat Elvis. In the end, "Civilization" gave its players a brief insight into how the world works, sort of.

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Shaving Into Manhood By Choice Razor

By Eugene Kim | April 2

Every four weeks or so, I must bid a sorrowful farewell to the single natural bodily fixture that I feel most convincingly proves that I am in fact a man. As that time of the month slowly approaches, I reflect on other stereotypical aspects that I could possibly have that would also convey my manhood to the skeptic.

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The Cold War Wages on in Friendly Skies

By Eugene Kim | March 26

The Cold War was a formidable part of my childhood, and today, it's no more than a mere memory. My guess is that this is the same for almost all '80s babies. Who didn't grow up learning to hate Communism and all its supporters? Didn't everybody learn to condemn Cuba and its leader, even though most Americans couldn't point to where Cuba is on a map, let alone to any one thing that Senor Castro has done in the last 40 years, good or bad?

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The Joke's on You, Laughing Into the 21st

By Eugene Kim | March 19

Back when I was a wee lad, I remember dreaming of the 21st century and thinking, "Wow, what an amazing time to be alive!" Sure, the 20th century had its moments, like the never-should-be-withdrawn-from 1972 Antiballistic Missile Treaty and the return of Christ (Texas, 1993). The new millennium though, well, who knew what unimaginable marvels of the future it could bring. Surely, we thought the future would resemble something to that of the world of Star Trek, complete with peace on earth, a plethora of blinking lights and lots and lots of aliens bent on killing Captain Kirk.

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America is Still At War, Even During Break

By Eugene Kim | March 5

Spring Break is quickly approaching. The SRC is enjoying its busiest time next to the week after New Year's. Meanwhile, two-bit hotel owners in Florida, Mexico and the Bahamas are licking their chops and eagerly anticipating the arrival of throngs of young, gullible and overly-sexed college students. Toss in a dash of Daddy's platinum card and just a pinch of binge drinking, and you get the ultimate mind-numbing Spring Break experience. Calling all alcoholics! Let's be honest here -- could anyone have ever imagined that wartime would be like this?

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Outside View Of America at Its Very Finest

By Eugene Kim | February 19

Oh, the darker days of democracy -- when voter turnout was embarrassingly low, when obscene amounts of corporate dollars funded campaigns and when it was OK for the legislative branch to mettle in simple matters like overruling the outcome of a presidential election.

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Maybe You'll Vote, Probably Not Though

By Eugene Kim | February 12

Today is Election Day. Incidentally, it is also a day to feel proud to be an American, because you can participate in what arguably can be considered as the rawest form of democracy. And that's something Americans should be proud of -- democracy, that is. America advocates it, fights for it, even pays for it.

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Don't Stand Up Another Moderate Man

By Eugene Kim | February 5

The other day, I was stood up. Again. This has turned into such a recurring event in my life that I'm beginning to question the wisdom of abolishing arranged marriages. As I am oft to go on the inevitable lonely walk home, I began to think about what it is exactly that makes me such a faithful rider of the get-stood-up express. While I sometimes chalk it up to my sparse leg hair or propensity for graham crackers with good old fashioned processed American cheese, the inevitable conclusion is always the same: Everything about me is too damn moderate.

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Porn Gets Shaft; Grand Theft Auto 3 Replaces

By Eugene Kim | January 29

As I write this, I shift uncomfortably under the gaze of my sorely neglected juniper bonsai named "Chock L.," who sits peacefully on my dining room table.