Satire: UNC creates DERP to increase University efficiency
By Maggie Mead | March 23"DERP has taken immediate action to minimize UNC’s spending, starting with the most inefficient thing of all: learning."
"DERP has taken immediate action to minimize UNC’s spending, starting with the most inefficient thing of all: learning."
"As states rush to fill the voids left by drastic budget and workforce reductions, the environment suffers."
"Public spats between the president and religious leaders, from priests to popes, are not unprecedented. Rather, they coincide with the distinctly medieval political struggle between the church and state for influence over the faithful."
"If a student is admitted to UNC, which purports to prize meritocracy and institutional neutrality above all, their deportation would be not only an inexcusable act of violence against them, but a loss to the overall diversity of thought and academic excellence our university prioritizes."
"This lawsuit is therefore extremely important in establishing a framework for legal action against the biggest perpetrators of climate change, placing North Carolina on the frontlines of the fight for climate justice."
"A loss of institutional knowledge forces future generations to retread old mistakes, navigate the process of remaking connections and waste time relearning skills, hindering efforts to better our community in the present."
"Often, the responsibility of sustainability is placed on individuals, rendering it a commendable personal virtue rather than a necessity for the preservation of public health"
"To protect the health of current and future generations, we must demand actionable policy and long-term cooperation from politicians to address this threat."
"The UNC community’s mobilization to provide support for western N.C. during this catastrophe is an encouraging beacon of hope, exemplifying the kind of mutual aid that we should strive to provide for our community members during times of crisis."
"Gutting DEI in favor of 'abstaining from the political fray' only serves to perpetuate these systems by disproportionately excluding minority voices from the environment of civil discourse that the University seeks to create."