Michael Carlton

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The Secrets of Mojovian V.D. Now Revealed

By Michael Carlton | December 3

If you're planning to read the first 10 lines of my column and then abruptly put down the newspaper and walk away in protest of any views I've expressed throughout this semester, please have the decency to recycle. It's not that I mind disagreement; I'd simply suggest you save any lame and idiotic demonstration of defiance for an ignorant deaf-mute. If you'd rather not flood my e-mail account with hate mail because of the pesky task of validating articulate points but still wish to dissent, might I suggest something that isn't half-assed.

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Turkeys Get Pardons, You Get the Chair

By Michael Carlton | November 26

In the wee hours of Thursday morning, the tenderness deep at the core of compassionate conservatism shed its callous exterior and beamed brightly upon the White House lawn. A cornucopia of tenderness poured from George W. Bush's heart in the form of a presidential pardon. No, the mentally retarded guy on death row is still awaiting the sweet taste of cold, placid, injected death. But on a brighter note, one less turkey died this Thanksgiving because of the president's sweet, sweet empathy.

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Uncle Sam the Pimp: Support Your Local Ho

By Michael Carlton | November 19

Have you ever walked past an abortion clinic, seen people loitering outside the building and thought to yourself, "Nope, they're not hookers"? No, I can't say I have either. Yet there is a correlation between spreading legs for cash and flushing out a uterus. The commonality might not jump out and beat you about the neck and face with clarity, so allow me to expound on my meaning.

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Supreme Court Handles Porn And Urinalysis

By Michael Carlton | November 12

We muddle through life asking ourselves questions like: which major will I pursue this week? Does this outfit scream "slut" or modestly infer loose morals? Is there a God? Will my dues-paying brothers give me first dibs on fresh meat if I cut and/or comb my hair? What did she mean by "go screw yourself"? These queries might penetrate deep within the core of our individual souls, but who makes the decisions that impinge on the rights of all Americans? No, not Bill Gates.

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Separate, Not Equal: D.C. Needs a Voice

By Michael Carlton | November 5

Tomorrow you will have the opportunity to influence local leadership or fall asleep in your Laz-E-Boy watching Nick-at-Nite, ambivalent to who will take the reigns of power before morning. Isn't it great to have such a range of freedom? Personally, I vote. Sure, apathy might gain me an extra hour of sleep, but by not voting I would forfeit my right to bitch and complain about elected officials. But what about citizens denied the voting rights most Americans take for granted?

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Power of One: Osama Versus Adolf Hitler

By Michael Carlton | October 29

I have neither the desire to overthrow the hegemonic power guiding the international economic system nor the apathy and/or ignorance to condone the slaughter of the innocent. Perhaps the words of my childhood teachers ring true: "You're just not applying yourself." I hope they were referring only to my sloppy hand tracing skills and multiple blackouts resultant from a less-than-dexterous agility on the playground. (Side note: Volunteering to be "the pi

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Columbus Put The `Seas' in Deadly Disease

By Michael Carlton | October 8

How does that rhyming mnemonic phrase go? "Back in 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue. ... In the New World he did sneeze, bringing natives to their knees. ... And if by genetic resistance some were saved, these healthy natives were soon enslaved." I'm not sure if that's how it went exactly. Despite my deficient memory, the fact remains that Christopher Columbus not only sparked Europe's westward expansion across the seas, he also inadvertently introduced the world to germ warfare.

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The Shit Hits The Fan; Who Cleans It Up?

By Michael Carlton | October 1

When shit hits the fan, someone has to get on his hands and knees and scrub until the kaka-stained room no longer emanates a stench of feces. Now say there is an efficient, well-respected janitor elected by a mandate of the masses to ensure the room's cleanliness. Let's call this hypothetical janitor Gudy Riuliani. Unfortunately for the denizens of the soiled room, Gudy is contractually obligated to retire well before he'll have time to reupholster the sofa or give the fan's blades a good once-over.

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Keep Laughing Through Your Tears of Rage

By Michael Carlton | September 24

I can conceive of only one thing more malevolent than the events that took place Sept. 11. Imagine that after having crashed the jetliners, the terrorists released laughing gas into the streets of New York. Maybe I'm the only one that thinks on this twisted level, but being incapable of expressing grief at a time when the only alternative to sadness is anger would drive me insane. Humans must express grief before they can mask pain with the guise of humor.

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We Stand Tall, But We Can't Stand Alone

By Michael Carlton | September 17

Staring out on the cold waters of the Atlantic, Lady Liberty turns from the disastrous byproduct of American unilateralism. She does not hide her face from this treacherous assault on democracy and capitalism; rather she stands tall at a crossroads separating American self-reliance and international cooperation.